It's a been a while. I feel like I haven't talked about anything in a really long time. And I have so much to say!! I wish I could get it all out tonight but I have school and it's already late so I'll just say what I loged in to say.
I've been talking to my cousin who is so stressed. She's going crazy with it! But there's this boy ;) You know what I mean. She's liked him forever. He flirts with her and she goes nuts waiting to see what he'll say and what he'll do but he doesn't do anything. He's a good kid and it's not like she's a bad kid, she just wishes that she knew he liked her. Well, I think it's obvious but that's just me.
Well, to be honest, I just haven't been able to just talk. I haven't been able to talk to anyone for quite some time. I've been keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself for self-preservation and for the well-being of others I've spent my summer with. It was just today that I started really talking completely freely again. I've never really been one to keep anything to myself. That's why I'm bad with my own secrets, but I just prefer it that way. I enjoy telling people exactly how I feel and why, even if while I'm saying it I'm not entirely sure why I feel the way I do. It's all a process for me. But I love it. I love saying whatever I feel like saying.
This is one of the reasons I have such a hard time with my cousin and her "boy." She's so careful about what she says and so cautious where I would just tell the truth. I don't want to lie and I don't want to be something that I'm not. It's not so much that my cousin does want to be what she is not as much as she wants to present the best version of herself. Which I completely understand. It's not that big a deal. The real deal is that she doesn't have a cell phone so she texts this boy on mine. Now I'm sure you're like "that's weird," or like "that's nice of her" both of which are true. But she's my cousin and to be honest, I kind of like it. It's fun for me. Sometimes I complain but I don't want her to have a phone and hide away all the funny things she tells me. It's one of my favorite things ever! But then she'll leave. And he'll still be texting me. Well texting her but me because it's my phone. So what do I do? I text him back. I tell him that it's me and then we talk. I'm just so not careful with the way I speak so I always worry that I'm going to say "Hey, my cousin is practically in love with you," which would not only be kind of untrue but not fair to either them. And then I would feel terrible. So I have to watch what I say.
It's the worst, most painful torture I've ever felt in my life! I just want to make everyone feel good, and I want everything to be right. I only want the world to feel good and maybe that's exclusive to me but hey, that's fine. I love putting people at ease. Life should not be as hard as everyone makes it. I'll admit to my fair amount of stress and frustration but give me a break, who doesn't want life to be more simple. I do! I'll take it, I'll call that one out. It's the truth.
I'm not saying that my cousin likes to have complication in her life, she doesn't. I know that for a fact. But I understand where she's coming from, I just could never do it. I don't know how she can. Life for me is so straightforward when I'm talking to people but it's so strategic for everybody else!
Before I end let me make clear, I love my cousin. She is a sweetheart. There couldn't be anyone more fun and I'm delighted every time we talk and every time we're together. I'm simply pointing out one of our differences. So don't be offended, any of you cousins of mine who might consider yourself my topic...and for those of you who know who I'm talking about, just have a nice laugh and I hope you smiled.
