I write about life a lot, so I'm gonna write about it again. Life is what we're all living so why not, right? Anyway, I've been thinking a lot (big surprise!) and I think I'm done pretending. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a pretender, but like lots of other people I pretend to be or not to be certain things. I get stuck in this mindset, that I just am. That I simply exist. And I forget that I can be and do whatever I want. It can be frightening, terrifying even, but usually the things we're afraid of doing can be the very things we need to do to move forward.
Okay, time out! I'm a senior in high school right now, I literally have less than three weeks and I'm done. That's it, it's over, and I'm very okay with that. But not at the same time. Last weekend I spent a couple hours with my best friends being totally silly and just being. We didn't have anything planed, we just talked and it was so good. Which was the first reason I wanted to write this post. Then tonight I went to my Senior Dance, the last dance we ever have in high school. And it was SO much fun. It was just a couple of hours of complete pause in life. I didn't worry about being seen by my peers, or even the boy I like who was dancing with his friends across the room. I didn't worry because I was being me, and not everyone knows me. But that's okay, that's alright, I don't mind.
Sorry, I'm changing topic again. It'll connect, I promise. ;) My cousin is dealing with a lot of stress right now from various sources right now. And I was listening to her because that's what she needed, someone to listen and love her. While she spoke I thought about how to me she sounded lost. Like she's feeling very alone, and I felt like I understood her more then she thought. Perhaps it's presumptuous but no one is really alone in feeling lost or lonely. It's unfortunately common. I keep a journal, well, religiously. I write everyday, no matter how late it gets, I write something. And I can't count the number of times I've written that I felt lost or totally alone. When I was feeling lost it was the worst. There would be moments where I thought I could feel the path I wanted under my feet and I'd lose it again. So it was also frustrating for me, until I figured it all out.
If you haven't noticed yet, or my blog is a new thing for you, there's a theme to all my writing. I write about God. I write about being faithful to Him and knowing that He is real. And that's what I figured out. That would make me feel found. Pouring over my scriptures and sinking to my knees to pray has changed my life. And I'm so grateful for it, because now all of my life is permeated with connections to and thoughts of God. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that getting out of my head brings clarity and peace, so I spend time with people, serving, listening, talking, laughing, even dancing. ;) I've been lost. I still get lost. And it's one of my greatest fears, being lost to God, that scares me more then anything, but I know it's a fear that can be concurred. But the point is I guess mostly that I've realized that being really me is the best way to get away from destructive thoughts, and avoid losing my way. Being the me that most people don't know. I don't show myself very often, I've always been afraid of that, but I don't want to be anymore. I want to make friends, and have fun, and be me while I'm at it. And I think part of it all is that I've needed to find a way to accept the real me before everyone else could, but I'm ready for that. I'm ready to stop the pretending. I'm a crazy nerd, I REALLY like the boy I asked on a date this week (Yeah, super brave of me right? I was TERRIFIED!). I love talking to myself in the mirror, and I love listening to loud music. Sometimes I'm down right mean and sometimes I think the terrible jokes people tell are funny. I'm done pretending. I've pretended for a long time that I'm an "open book" but I'm SO closed off. I don't like to tell people what I really think, I don't want people to know how I've really felt, because I'm afraid of showing them the me that I've hidden for so long. Well I'm done, I'm done hiding, I'm done pretending. I want to experience life as me. I want to get out, and get lost, and go crazy. I want to do something I've never done, and I want to try the things I think about. I'm ready. I'm ready to be who I really am, and hopefully I can. Hopefully these aren't just words but actions. I'm ready to rely more completely on God and to really share the person I am and the person I hope to be.
