Landmarks

You know when you just get really lost trying to go somewhere and at first it's really frustrating. And then it get's scary.

The only thing I think is more terrifying than getting lost physically is realizing you're already lost spiritually and/or emotionally.

At the end of this last December I finished my mission papers and while I was talking to my bishop we decided that we'd better have a pre-mission evaluation done before submitting my papers so that they could go straight through and to men who would assign my mission to me.

After going to a two hour long evaluation there was a report sent about a week later to my bishop. The recommendation was that I remain at home and improve my control of my depression.

So you can all understand how this felt to me think back, it may not be very far back, to when you wanted something so badly that you rarely thought of anything else. It consumed all your desires. I don't know what it is for you but I have wanted a mission for years. I have wanted it so badly that sometimes I wanna shake people who tell me things like "It's all in the Lord's timing" or "They just want you to succeed" because I know all of these things! But nothing changes what happened when my bishop told me I had to wait.

I nodded, I understood, yes it made sense, of course I want to be successful too......

.....then I went home and cried the entire way there....and then I told my mom and cried.....and then my wonderful family wanted to help me. They wanted to defend me and told me how ridiculous it was that I had to wait to go to the Temple, and how I should be able to put my papers in. And that didn't help. It made me frustrated. But it also made me come to terms quickly.

One of my brothers was saying how ludicrous it was that I wasn't allowed all these things. And I snapped at him and told him that "I know! But I trust God and He trusts the men who he has given stewardship over my spiritual well-being, so I trust them and that's all there is to it!"

So my family stopped talking about how upsetting it was for them, because no matter how upsetting it was for them it was ten times worse for me every day that I had to think about it all.

I just wanna talk about where I am now. It's been two months and at first it was unbearable. And then it felt hopeless. And then it got okay. And now it's all okay.

Obviously it's still hard. It's gonna be hard. But I'm getting better all the time.

Since I was given the news of delay in my mission papers I've gone through some phases, but more than anything I've found myself getting closer to God.

At first I felt lost. The terrifying I-don't-recognize-anything kind of lost. But then I started looking for my landmarks.

I don't know about everyone else but I can't tell you how many times I've had my father give me directions to someplace and he knows the store on the corner of almost every major intersection.

So I looked for spiritual landmarks.

It always comes back to the basics.

I rededicated myself to studying my scriptures and saying daily prayers. And I felt that relief that you feel when you suddenly see the landmark that will take you home. It sweeps over you, it's like you can finally breath again, and the relief comes out in tears.

Well I'm on my way home. I've found my landmarks again. And I don't plan on getting lost.

Remember your landmarks.