Times Change And So Must I

So I'm leaving on my mission soon and I just wanted to say a few things before I went on a 18 month hiatus.
First off, I really love this song but the music video isn't that spectacular so use your best judgment. :)
On to the important piece.

I really believe that we're never the same. We can't ever be the same person twice. We change from day to day, and year to year. It's such a slow transformation that we don't normally notice much. But there our moments in everyone's life where you're about to make a change so huge, so significant that I think it's important to mourn the change. That's kind of how I've been feeling the last few days. I will never be the same girl again. I will be a totally new person when I get home. And not like I won't be me, but I won't. I know that doesn't make sense but it does. I'm about to go on a mission and I will never be the girl I have been for the first 19 years of my life again. I just won't. And that's okay. It's so okay. But it is hard.
I said goodbye to one of my very best friends in the whole world tonight. She's like a little sister, and I walked home from her house and cried. We will always be friends. I'm absolutely certain of that, but we will never be the friends we are right now again. Which is a great thing! Relationships revolve around growing together and apart, but it's hard. It's hard to walk away from something that's such a meaningful part of your life. So I guess in short, I will never be the Emma I have been pre-mission. And I'm kind of sad about that. But I'm also excited. Because I get to become a whole new person, someone who knows different things, and different people. And I'm thrilled. And broken. And it's okay. It's alright because change is good. As long as we remember where we've come from, and what we've gone through, change is excellent. So necessary. But just because cleaning the wound is a good thing doesn't mean it's painless.

Yes, I'm going to use music and tv references for my final blog. I wouldn't be me if I didn't. But I really do just want to say thank you so much. To everyone who has been here for me. Thank you to those who have been financially there, and for those who have been emotionally there. Thank you.
Continue to change. While I'm gone, don't be the person you are now when I come home. Become a better, more refined version of yourself. I'll have to get to know you all over again either way, and I'd rather I got to know a newer version.
But please stay the same. Don't stop being who you are, and don't stop chosing what makes you happy. And if you don't chose things that make yhou happy now, then start. For me, start living the life you deserve to lvie. Because you deserve all the joy that life could ever offer you.
So choose to be happy. Choose to change. And choose to remain the same.

There Are A Lot Of True Clichés In This One

So like two years ago, or ever six months ago this song would have been my theme song. I'm a huge fan so I'm gonna share a little bit of the updated version of fy life and I"m gonna explain why I like this song and why I think it applies to life. So get ready :)Fch

"Like a small boat

On the ocean

Sending big waves

Into motion"

Let's talk about this for a second. Everyone makes big waves. I know it sounds cheesy and cliche but it's true. Everyone matters and everyone effects more people than you can ever know. That's why it's so important to be kind because you don't want to create adverse waves. There have been a whole bunch of people who have created waves both positive and negative in my life. And I'm really grateful for the people who have been a positive part of my life.

Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

I feel like this continues to make my point. One word can change so much, one match can influence so many lives. Just keep that bit in mind. My hope is that we can speak words that will open hearts and influence for good. So I'm done talking about this bit.

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This part of the song seriously spoke to me. I can't tell you how often I DON'T say the things I think or feel and describing them as "wrecking balls" is literally the best way I could have possibly imagined. Let me tell you a story. There's this boy who I've known for quite a while and we're not like SUPER good friends but we've always been on good-ish terms. The real things about this though is that I've kind of had a crush on him for basically forever. And it's not like weird or anything, I've just always thought he was really good looking, and he was in my ward and he was so cool and I tried to avoid telling people for a while but of course the girls in my ward found out and they teased me relentlessly. The other thing is that I didn't date a ton in high school but the one boy I really did kind of want to go on a date with was him. I never asked him out and he never knew so we didn't ever go on a date. And I think that's my only regret. I know it kind of sounds silly but we're in contact right now and he's not really in a position to be dating anyone and I'm hoping to leave on my mission but when I get home if he's single I've already kind of promised myself that I'm gonna ask him on a date. The only way to get those wrecking balls out of our minds is to say what we're thinking. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we should speak up! Say what's on your mind and if you can't resolve something now then commit to resolve it as soon as you can. I know I used a kind of silly example but if you want more I've got them, this is just the one that been on my mind. Speak up! You shouldn't have to get to screaming to rid yourself of the wrecking balls. Good luck! :)

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song

I just think this section is fun. It makes me wanna rock out. And you totally should too. I'm pretty sure rocking out to songs you really like is super healthy. Always dance around so that if some weirdos saw you they'd wanna put it on youtube because it would definitely go viral. And be strong. It's okay to re-evaluate your life and change things up. That's good!

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep

........

I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe

Okay, I'm skipping a little bit of stuff to make a point and because I don't think it matters. There was a part of my life (when my depression was at it's worst) where everyone was really worried about me and I didn't want them to be. Remember that people who worry about you generally love you. Also I just wanna say after everything that's been going on I finally got my mission papers turned in last week and it's been a long long wait for me. My brother was writing me emails (and he's a total weirdo and sometimes just ugh!) but he said "I'm worried you've lost your fire". First of all that's just silly, and weird that he phrased it that way. But my response to that is that "there's a fire burning in my bones and I still believe". Cause I still got a lot of fight left in me ;)

And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

This is the last piece I wanna talk about. I know it's been long, so thanks for hanging in there with me. I've faced a lot of hard hard things, especially the last year or so, and I've had some moments where I just wanted people to notice me or to know all the hard things I was doing. And there are times when you just want a little recognition. Or times when you simply want someone to believe in you. But I've learned that one of the most important things is believing in yourself. Again, I'm sorry, I know it's a little cliche but it's true. There comes a moment when you have to decide that you don't care what other people think of your choice, whether they support it or not, but you've got to keep fighting, you've got to believe enough it the choices you've made to go on. Otherwise why are you doing it? You have to be able to love your life, and love your choices. So above all else be committed to your choices and don't let anyone tell you that you can't. Because you've just got to keep fighting. If you run out of the will to fight you will literally die. Because life is a battle (the cliches are out of hand, I know) and no one is going to be able to protect you from yourself. And sometimes, most of the time, you are your own worst enemy. Just don't let other people turn you against yourself. You are strong enough, and you are good enough. Your choices are yours alone and decide to ignore what everyone else believes and keep fighting.

So I guess my big conclusion is that you should speak up and commit.

Life doesn't get easier. But we do get stronger.

Mental Illness And Auto-Immune

I wanna talk about depression before we talk about anything else. I feel like there's a tendency to ignore or down play mental illness. So there's a definition for depression and it says "feelings of severe despondency and dejection." And then people talk about it on all these websites and they make it sound so simple. It's not simple. I'm about to try to explain it to you in a bunch of different ways and it's okay if you don't really truly "get it" because it's not something you really understand without experiencing it yourself. It's like child birth, or the death of a loved one, or losing your job, or getting the scholarship you worked so hard for. If you haven't experienced this yourself you can be happy or sad with someone but it's not the same as having that experience as your own. Hopefully that helps. So let's start with some kind of funny kind of sad comics.

This one kind of makes me laugh but like that's a actual real physical representation of how it feels when you go to sleep depressed and wake up still feeling the same way. Nothing got better and you don't know if you can handle life but you try and getting out of bed is sometimes the only victory you need. So, yeah. That's one thing.
So the one direction below this is quite a bit more serious. That's why I picked it. There are some things you can laugh about it's true that I talk to my friend who also struggles with depression and sometimes it's like a laugh fest because we're both feeling good and so yeah, we're gonna laugh about how all we wanted to do was read books, or watch Netflix for the rest of our lives and just let ourselves waste away in bed because real life is too hard. But then there are the moments where you literally feel like death. You feel like a shadow of

yourself and it's dark. So, so dark. You forget to appreciate the little things like the fact that you got an A on that paper you turned in last week, or that the sun is shinning or that your mom is gonna make your favorite meal for dinner tonight. Because everything feels distant, like there's a fog covering the whole world, everything you see and even the things you feel. But there is SUCH a stigma about depression and other mental illnesses that we hide. You get dressed in the morning and you lie about how you feel because when they ask how you're doing you don't really believe that they care and mostly they don't. How many times have you said "how are you?" and then not cared what the answer was? I know I'm guilty of that and I try not to do that to people. So yeah, sometimes depression feels like a game of pretend, where you want to be yourself out in the open but you don't want anyone to know about how dark you feel inside. So it's acting, it's playing pretend. And it hurts. It's a terrible cycle of "I don't want them to know" and "I just need them to know" that literally tears you apart.
There are a lot of ways to express how depression feels but I've tried to describe my experience a few times so I'll just add that. Sometimes it's a feeling of lethargy, and sometimes it produces anger. But when you sit down on the edge of your bed and the only person you have to be honest with is yourself you want to lie. You want to lie to yourself because you want to pretend that you're okay, but you're not. You feel like you're laying that the bottom of the ocean looking up and you can see the surface, you can see the sunshine and you know that you could feel better but when you try to swim up you realized you're chained to the ground. So you scream and the only thing that happens is that your lungs fill with water. Then people look at you and say things like "Just get over it", "Just choose to swim to the surface", "Just stop breathing", "You let yourself get chained here again?", "Are you praying? Are you studying your scriptures?", "I know how you feel, just come on", "It's not a big deal", "You don't need medical help", or "You just need to be more positive about life".
Let me tell you something about all those phrases, they don't help. Shaming someone, or delegitimizing (is that a word?) how they feel or what they're dealing with is NOT helpful. In fact you're making things worse when you say things like this. I don't want anyone to suddenly feel horribly guilty for having said these sorts of things in the past but don't say them any more. I'm about to speak for everyone who has ever had depression. We know we're depressed, and we know what everyone else is thinking and saying and we know it's not helping. You don't need to remind us that once again we are depressed. You don't need to give us advice on something you really don't know anything about. And please don't bring religion in to it. Personally I feel like studying my scriptures is helpful, but that doesn't make it go away! And that's such an easy way to shame people and that will only make it worse. NEVER tell someone they don't need medical help or that they don't need to take medication for their depression. I take anti-depressants and when I very first got on them I was terrified to tell anyone. It didn't make sense at all because my friends weren't going to stop being my friends or anything, but I felt like if they knew then they would know that I wasn't perfect. That I had problems and I felt like people would just know and be disgusted by me. Which makes no sense!! So don't ever make someone feel bad for taking medications to help them. I hate taking pills and having to do all of that stuff but you do the things that you have to, to make things better. You get a cast when you brake a bone and no one thinks that's a bad idea. Obviously it's not exactly the same but you get the idea. Don't tell me, or anyone with depression, that we need to be "more positive" or that we just need to "choose to be happy". Ugh! I'm sorry, that's SO irritating! Do you think that I'm CHOOSING to feel depressed!? NO! Why on earth would I chose to feel like life is barely worth living? Why would anyone ever chose to feel like they're being drowned and beaten all at once? No one would. So stop telling us to chose to feel differently. Some of it is choice but so much of it is chemistry that we're trying to balance by changing diet and taking those anti-depressants you say are shameful. So stop. You don't know what you're talking about.
And I'm sorry if that last bit was intense. I got a little angry. :/ But moving on, that's depression and it's hard and it's SO real. Stop ignoring it. Ask people about it, show them you care, try to see what they're seeing even if you can't feel it.
Now I'm gonna talk to you a little bit about being diabetic. :) I realize that this is a little rant-ish but I need to dispel some myths and tell you about my experience so that perhaps you can be a help for the people you know or meet. So first things first imma give you a cute little comic to read so you can understand diabetes a little better because you might not know very much yet.

So hopefully that helps a little. :) I'm always happy to answer questions and talk about diabetes. It's actually kind of fun sometimes. So let's talk Type 1 versus Type 2. We call type 1 "Juvenal Diabetes" and type 2 "Adult Onset" but that's not always true. In recent years with the increase of child obesity they have see type 2 diabetes occur in children. They have also seen adults (I have a brother-in-law) come in with type 1. So type 2 is pretty much associated with personal health. It's generally preventable, and quite manageable if you're willing to work at it. It's also the one we ascoiate with being overweight like I was saying but I also want to add that you don't have to be "fat" to be a diabetic. We don't really know the causes so yeah. Keep that in mind before you tell a diabetic they shouldn't have diabetes because they're "not fat" it's just annoying. Type 1, however, is very different. The thing is that we don't know what actually caused diabetes. They speculate and they talk about a lot of different things, but they don't know. People will say "well they were born with it" and some people are "born" with it, but they're still not sure what caused their pancreas to not work. So that's the very first frustration of diabetes. We don't know how we got it and we don't know how to fix it because there isn't a cure. We have a means of handling it so we don't die, but there is not a cure. And every year they say "we'll have a cure for diabetes in the next ten years" as those "ten" years turn into twenty, then thirty and you get the idea. So, similarly to depression, we don't really like the "it could be so much worse" little thing people like to do. We get it, and we're grateful for what we have but sometime we just wanna complain about it for a minute because it's not fun.

This little image to the left is literally one of my favorite things I've ever seen. I crack up every time because that's really honestly how you want to respond when people are like "my life is so hard, you just don't understand, you're life isn't like mine", you're right, my life isn't like yours and I don't understand but my body literally hates itself. So hopefully that's funny for you but just remember that we don't need to be told that things could be worse because that's like telling me I can't be happy because "life could be better". So let's just get over it alright.
I'd also like to add one personal preference. I appreciate what you're trying to do when you get a type 1 diabetic sugar free candy but, um, it tastes gross and we can take insulin. We don't have to watch our diet the same way so could you just stop. My pancreas doesn't work but my taste buds are alive and well.
So I've been going on for quite a while, I want to finish up and really get to the point. I hope that all of this was helpful, and if nothing else I hope it was entertaining. I had fun writing it. I LOVE answering questions about these things so don't be shy if you're wondering anything ever. But I wanted to talk about both depression and diabetes because they're both things that society, as a whole in general, likes to kind of ignore. We want to pretend they don't exist because we're not sure how to handle people who have to live like this. Imagine someone saying the things people say to children with depression or diabetes to a child with autism....just picture it for a minute. And then I want you to rethink the way you behave and the way the people around you behave towards depression, diabetes, and other mental illness and auto-immune disorders. These things can be helped and managed but they don't go away. So treat people kindly. They deserve your kindness no matter who they are or what they struggle with but especially be kind to those whom you don't understand. Everyone has a story and if you get to be familiar with someone's story you fall in love with the kind of person they are and you learn to love them for their faults. I could really go into that mini analogy but I'm just gonna stop because I've gone on long enough. Thank you for reading this and for being interested. You're wonderful, and I hope that this helps you to help yourself or the people around you.

God's Not Dead

So as many know General Conference was this last weekend and I've been wanting to say a few things. But let me first tell you about this movie I watched. It was on Netflix and it's called God's Not Dead. It's about a boy who defends his faith in his freshman philosophy class when no one else seems to care or believe. So I'm watching this movie and I'm thinking about the what I believe. And I kind of wonder if I'd have the courage to stand up and defend what I believe. But part of me thinks I would have just dropped the class and moved on. But God does need us to defend Him. Wait, let me rephrase that. He doesn't NEED us to defend Him. We need us to defend Him. We need what happens to us when we stand up and defend our faith. Now before anyone goes and get's all defensive I just wanna say that I don't care what you believe. If you don't believe in the same God as me, or if you don't believe in God at all I hope you still have the courage to continue to believe in what you believe in with the same conviction despite what others may say or do. But I also hope you have the courage to change your mind if you decide that you were wrong, or that you don't really believe what you thought you did.

Basically I wanna recommend the movie but more importantly I'd love to share some of my thoughts on God. One of my favorite things they said in this movie was: "God is good all the time. And all the time, God is good." because God is good. And sometimes we don't understand Him or His plans but God is good and it's that simple. "It's not easy, but it is simple."
When I was 14 a really really REALLY good friend of my brother's (and the families) died in an accident. That was the day I started keeping a journal. In this journal the very first things I wrote were angry angry questions to God. I wanted to demand an explanation, I felt like screaming and crying, and I was so confused. How is is fair for someone, so full of potential and goodness, to die? And death doesn't even make sense! One second they're there and they're SO full of life and thought and then suddenly they're just gone.
I talked to a lot of family and I didn't really want to talk to God at the time. I wasn't happy. I reconciled myself to it though. I felt like I had an answer when I finally talked to my Heavenly Father, and I didn't feel so confused and so upset. I found peace. I'm not saying that everyone who has ever believed in God and lost someone they loved has had a similar experience to me. In fact I don't really know how other people deal with death. But I do know that it's okay. It doesn't ever really get easier but you get used to it, and you learn from it, and eventually you're okay. You're alright. I can see how not understanding God and His doctrine might continue to leave people unsettled.
I won't stand here and tell you I know everything, because I don't. That's why I get on my knees and pray. God is good. And God is not dead. He lives. His Son lives. And so in a brief way I add my testimony to those of the living prophets today, and the prophets of old. God lives. Jesus Christ died for our sins and sorrows but more importantly Jesus Christ rose from the dead for us. Jesus Christ lives.

Landmarks

You know when you just get really lost trying to go somewhere and at first it's really frustrating. And then it get's scary.

The only thing I think is more terrifying than getting lost physically is realizing you're already lost spiritually and/or emotionally.

At the end of this last December I finished my mission papers and while I was talking to my bishop we decided that we'd better have a pre-mission evaluation done before submitting my papers so that they could go straight through and to men who would assign my mission to me.

After going to a two hour long evaluation there was a report sent about a week later to my bishop. The recommendation was that I remain at home and improve my control of my depression.

So you can all understand how this felt to me think back, it may not be very far back, to when you wanted something so badly that you rarely thought of anything else. It consumed all your desires. I don't know what it is for you but I have wanted a mission for years. I have wanted it so badly that sometimes I wanna shake people who tell me things like "It's all in the Lord's timing" or "They just want you to succeed" because I know all of these things! But nothing changes what happened when my bishop told me I had to wait.

I nodded, I understood, yes it made sense, of course I want to be successful too......

.....then I went home and cried the entire way there....and then I told my mom and cried.....and then my wonderful family wanted to help me. They wanted to defend me and told me how ridiculous it was that I had to wait to go to the Temple, and how I should be able to put my papers in. And that didn't help. It made me frustrated. But it also made me come to terms quickly.

One of my brothers was saying how ludicrous it was that I wasn't allowed all these things. And I snapped at him and told him that "I know! But I trust God and He trusts the men who he has given stewardship over my spiritual well-being, so I trust them and that's all there is to it!"

So my family stopped talking about how upsetting it was for them, because no matter how upsetting it was for them it was ten times worse for me every day that I had to think about it all.

I just wanna talk about where I am now. It's been two months and at first it was unbearable. And then it felt hopeless. And then it got okay. And now it's all okay.

Obviously it's still hard. It's gonna be hard. But I'm getting better all the time.

Since I was given the news of delay in my mission papers I've gone through some phases, but more than anything I've found myself getting closer to God.

At first I felt lost. The terrifying I-don't-recognize-anything kind of lost. But then I started looking for my landmarks.

I don't know about everyone else but I can't tell you how many times I've had my father give me directions to someplace and he knows the store on the corner of almost every major intersection.

So I looked for spiritual landmarks.

It always comes back to the basics.

I rededicated myself to studying my scriptures and saying daily prayers. And I felt that relief that you feel when you suddenly see the landmark that will take you home. It sweeps over you, it's like you can finally breath again, and the relief comes out in tears.

Well I'm on my way home. I've found my landmarks again. And I don't plan on getting lost.

Remember your landmarks.

Homosexuality, the LDS Church, and the Conversation That Inspired This.

Okay, I've gotta say something. I don't do it often, and I don't really like to start it, but I need to talk about this real quick. There's a lot of conversation going on about the press conference that the LDS church held about the LGBT community and about their support of non-discriminate legislature, this is all as I understand it. There are a lot of conversations going on about the church speaking out on this, and many people have been saying that it is self-serving, hypocritical, and bigoted. And along with all of these conversations a lot of other things are being brought up. So I just wanna talk about it.
First off, I feel like there's something that everyone needs to understand. So hear me out. The church could NOT support the passing of legislature that made something the we feel to be immoral okay. HOWEVER, now that gay marriage is legal in all of the United States there is simply nothing that the LDS church can do. We have to live with the decisions that the people have made and that's one of them. BUT the church has frequently said that they care for the LGBT community (this is a website for just this, caring for the people of the church, who are also homosecxual), and encourage the church's members to be kind and accepting of them. I know that people aren't. I've seen it. Heck! I've probably been mean, and I hate that! I hate that I might have been unkind, even cruel, to something because of something so unimportant to me. I hate that I could have hurt someone because of something that made me uncomfortable. And it did. It made me very uncomfortable. But I'm over it. People are people, and I love them! I don't care who you're attracted to, and I don't care what your beliefs are as long as we can respect each other and be kind. So I know that no matter what the church has said, the members haven't always acted appropriately. Doctrine may be perfect, but the practice is not always so. People are imperfect and don't always do as they should. That doesn't excuse poor behavior, and it certainty doesn't excuse any kind of cruelty, but the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is not in the business of being cruel to anyone for anything. In case anyone wants the information, the Church does have an official page about homosexuality and same-sex attraction, here's the link. So I hope we're clear on that.
My stand on homosexuality? It's very much the same as my church. This is directly from the link I just put up.
The Church’s doctrinal position is clear: Sexual activity should only occur between a man and a woman who are married. However, that should never be used as justification for unkindness. 
I feel like everyone wants to have an excuse for their bad behavior. There isn't an excuse. There is never a good enough reason to be cruel or unkind.
Alright, one of the things that gets discussed in these conversations also leans towards....well I was gonna just start saying stuff and I need to be a little more real about this. I was looking at a specific conversation the other day that got me really riled up. Someone who I consider to be a very good friend shared her opinion on facebook. She's atheist, and that almost makes her the complete opposite of me where beliefs and religion are concerned. But we don't care. I really love her, I think she's incredible and I respect her so much for believing what she does and for defending it. So I'll be honest, I was kinda trolling this conversation and I watched as people's passions made them sound completely idiotic. People were horribly unkind to my friend for sharing her feelings, and that was so inappropriate.. I also feel that my faith was defended poorly, and incredibly misrepresented by members of the LDS church. But I'm not the kind of girl who just jumps into something like this. I wanted to present what I have to say with compassion and courtesy. So this is me, doing my best.
Back to the topic at hand, in this conversation people were saying that the church is "racist", and "sexist". I think that I'll be able to get through the racist one faster so we'll start there. The argument is always that our prophets were "incredibly racist" and of course that black men were not allowed the priesthood for some time. The members of the church are not racist. The doctrine and principles of the church are not racist. I've got another link for you here that talks specifically about race and the priesthood. Not allowing black members to attend the temple for their sacred ordinances, and not allowing men to receive the priesthood was NOT an easy thing for leaders of the church. They wanted to give them the opportunity to receive all the blessings of heaven. So when in 1978 President Spencer W. Kimball received the revelation that lifted this ban he, and the other members of the twelve and the seventy, were delighted. And while some people may have responded poorly to this change, the response from the general church membership was positive. Everyone wanted their neighbors, friends, and loved ones to have the added blessings, and closeness to God. And let me dispel a few things, NO we did not, and do not believe that African decent means that anyone was less valiant in the life before our lives here on earth. We don't think that, and we don't believe it. We are all children loved and known by our Father in Heaven. Remember the link if you want to do your own research on the matter. On my part, I don't know why this was the case. I have no clue why God conducted His church this way, but sometimes you have to accept what was done. I don't understand it, but it's over and done with. So let's all move on.
Let's talk about sexism. I am a woman in the LDS church. I do not feel discriminated against at all in the church. And I am so sorry for any woman who does. That is not the intention of our leaders, or our Father. Like I've said previously, people are not perfect. So sometimes we don't live the way we should. The biggest thing that bothered me was that someone claimed that to reach the highest degree of glory in the Celestial Kingdom a woman must "latch onto the coatails of a man". I don't want to be mean and I don't want to be angry. But this seriously upset me. In the following quote it explains a little about this.
"From another revelation to the Prophet Joseph, we learn that there are three degrees within the celestial kingdom. To be exalted in the highest degree and continue eternally in family relationships, we must enter into “the new and everlasting covenant of marriage” and be true to that covenant. In other words, temple marriage is a requirement for obtaining the highest degree of celestial glory. (See D&C 131:1-4.) All who are worthy to enter into the new and everlasting covenant of marriage will have that opportunity, whether in this life or the next."
As you can see it says nothing about women needing men, and men being able to receive it alone. Men and women must be sealed together in a temple of God, and a whole bunch of other stuff, to obtain the highest degree of glory. No one can reach this degree of glory without a partner with whom they are married to. There is a reason we cannot obtain this degree of glory alone. There is TONS of research you could do on this. Like a bunch, and this is a good place to do it. Right here! So please stop thinking that we're sexist. It's a very sensitive topic for me because in the past, at times, I did feel kind of inferior. I felt like my role was very little in the grand scheme of things and it bothered me for a long time. But I don't feel that way any more. I've learned a lot about who I am, and what my role is. I am not inferior to men, I'm not inferior to anyone. I'm me. And that makes me completely unique. No one has been, is, or ever will be me. So my role in this plan of life is completely unique, and no one can replace what I am here to do. And so for any woman who has ever felt like they were unimportant in Heavenly Father's plan know that you are vital. In so many ways God's plan could not succeed without you.

Alright, this has been long and arduous. I hope that I haven't hurt anyone's feelings. I also hope that I have explained my feelings clearly and kindly. Because I really love the people in my life, and I love meeting new people. And I don't want anyone to be upset with me. I value everyone's opinions and thoughts. So please feel free to discuss this with me. I am happy to talk to people about why I believe what I do, and to dispel any untrue things about the Church. Thank you all for reading with me, and caring enough to stick with it all the way to here. :)

Loving Anyway

"Love they neighbor as thy self"

"Love one another, as I have loved you"

There is so much to every person. Do you ever just walk down a hallway or down the street and see all the the people around you and wonder "What's their story"? Because I do. There are BILLIONS of people on this planet, each one of us completely different and unique. Everyone with their own family and friends. Each person with their own love stories, tragedies, and trials. All of us just trying to get through one day at a time. Everyone of us dreaming and striving for something. Yet there is so much cruelty. I'm tired of it. I'm just tired of the pain we cause each other. I spoke with a woman on the train once who told me that one of the rules she taught her children with was "we don't hurt each other on purpose because we do that enough on accident". Why are we hurting each other? I'm religious, some of you may not be, and I follow Jesus Christ. He says the second great commandment is to "love they neighbor as they self". I don't care who you are, what you believe, what your political affiliations, you're a person. And people are deserving of love no matter what.
I'm not pro-gay marriage, and I don't support that lifestyle personally. But who am I to condemn and do judge? Who am I to tell someone that they cannot live the life they want, whether I agree or not? I don't agree with smoking, but you don't see people telling smokers that they're disgusting and unnatural and wrong and that no loves them. You don't see that. And I'm not saying we have to be okay with anything that others do, I'm just saying we should love them anyway. It's a different kind of love than the love you feel for your family and friends, but does that matter? I don't expect all of us to just magically be "okay" with things. And I don't think I will ever be made to change my mind that gay marriage is not of God, but the fact that I believe that does not give me, or anyone, the right to be cruel in anyway because someone is different from me. Just because I have a friend who's not LDS does not mean that she isn't a wonderful person who is just as deserving of my friendship and love as my friends are LDS. And just because I have family and friends that are gay does not ever mean that they are worth any less than family and friends that are not.
Personally, I feel like once I've loved people as much as Christ has is when I can start condemning them. Until then my job is to love.

"A person's a person"

-Dr. Suess

Completing Your Personal Masterpiece

Imagine God as an artist for a moment. Creating universes, galaxies, solar systems, stars and planets. Specifically our planet.

I had a painting teacher once who told me that only amateurs neglect the details. God is not an amateur. He created the earth and took care to make every plant and creature exactly as He’d intended. All of that care, all of that beauty He’d created, and He created us. His greatest masterpieces. But we are an unfinished work. We can’t be completed by God, but we also couldn’t complete ourselves without help. So God laid out a plan. He sent our Savior, Jesus Christ, to atone for us. And He didn’t neglect the details of our lives. He created plans of us. Paved our path and now He has left it up to us to reach our potential. To become the masterpiece He always intended us to be.

Along the way we sometimes run into bumps. Sometimes minor things, and sometimes things that can change your life. And frequently we ask “Why? Why me? Why now? Why this?”

Adversity is placed in our way as part of the perfectly detailed plan that Heavenly Father has placed before each of us.

What brought this topic to mind was a line from Joseph Smith: The Prophet of the Restoration. Joseph is speaking with Emma and he says:

“Perhaps I am meant to swim in deep waters”

I don’t think any of us was ever meant to wade through life.

I want us to change the way we look at our trials and adversity. Pres. Henry B. Eyring said “I assure you that our Heavenly Father and the Savior live and that They love all humanity. The very opportunity for us to face adversity and affliction is part of the evidence of their infinite love.”

We want no regrets in our lives. We don’t want to feel that we never reached our full potential. We want to become “the person God, our Heavenly Father, intended us to be.”

Pres. Uchtdorf says “We certainly cannot do this with a dragging-our-feet, staring-at-our-watch, complaining-as-we-go approach,” and counsels us to “give our best personal self and undivided time to those” things that are most important to us. He also counsels that “good intentions are not enough. We must do. Even more important, we must become”.

With faith we must act. With faith we must move forward through adversity. As Joseph Smith struggled God comforted him in Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-9 saying:

“My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over thy foes.

Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.”

This extends to us.

Pres. Eyring promises that “the disciple[s] who accept a trial as an invitation to grow and therefore qualify for eternal life can find peace in the midst of the struggle.”

God does not leave us. He is not an amateur. He is there in the details of your lives. He will give you relief and comfort when needed. He will strengthen you and help you to grow when you let Him help. It is never easy. But God will qualify you.

When presented with your struggles ask God “What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my blessings in this time of trial?”

Alma says in chapter 36 verse 3

“whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions and shall be lifted up at the last day”

In the midst of all this affliction God also wants us to learn to be happy.

The gospel is designed to provide a way for happiness in our lives.

“He sent His Son to carry out the Atonement so we can be happy in this life and receive a fullness of joy in the eternities.”

Remember what Alma says in 41:10 “Wickedness never was happiness.”

Elder Pino of the seventy says “The only way to real happiness is to live the gospel.” He also ready 3 Nephi 14:24-27

“Therefore, whoso heareth these sayings of mine and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, who built his house upon a rock- And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not, for it was founded upon a rock.

And every one that heareth these sayings of mine and doeth them not shall be likened unto a foolish man, who built his house upon the sand

And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”

Elder Pino notes that Ït is interesting to notices that the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew against both houses! Living the gospel does not mean that we will everlastingly escape adversity. Rather it means that we will be prepared to face, and endure adversity more confidently.”

Elder Marvin J. Ashton states :We can be broken by adversity, or we can become stronger.” Later he continues saying “If we turn to God, He will take us by the hand and lead us through our darkest hours.”

I suggest we all grow. And we all turn to God. But this requires trust. Elder Bednar said (at a fireside) that

“Trusting in the Lord’s will and timing is essential.

Remember that God created us, He designed our paths to perfection and God does not make mistakes. Trust Him. Let Him guide and teach you.

Let your trust in God give you peace, hope, and direction.

James 1:5 says

“If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.”

God truly wants to guide us. We have to trust enough to let Him.

Elder Okazaki of the seventy talks of hope in our Savior and says “He is my hope on rainy Monday mornings, my hope on the dark nights, and my hope in the face of death and despair.”

Doctrine and Covenants 6:36 says “Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.”

Have faith, and trust. Look to the Lord through your trials.

Doctrine and Covenants 122:7-8 says “And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?”

Remember that you are NEVER alone in adversity.

Christ promises in Doctrine and Covenants 78:18

“And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer,for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessing thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are your.”

The riches of eternity. The kingdom. These trials, this adversity, is all in preparation to become like God in the eternities. Eliza R. Snow coined the couplet “As man now is, God once was; As God now is, man may be”

Joseph Smith also stated “What kind of being is God?” Human beings need to know because “If men do not comprehend the character of God they do not comprehend themselves.” Human nature is at it’s core divine.

In Joseph Smith’s last conference address to the church he said; “It is not all to be comprehended in this world. It will take a long time after the grave to understand the whole.”

And regarding this Pres. Hinckley said “We believe in eternal progression.”

We will always be seeking to better ourselves. We should do our best everyday of your lives here, and know that we don’t have to be perfect at death.

Pres. Uchtdorf says that “You are stronger than you realize. You are more capable than you can imagine.”

We are capable of so much. Perhaps we couldn’t travel across oceans to find our prophet. Perhaps we couldn’t leave all we had to travel to the Salt Lake Valley. And maybe we couldn't travel with the handcart companies leaving loved ones behind us, with just our faith to guide us.

But James E. Faust said, “Your challenges today are different from those of your forebears, but they are nonetheless real.”

Pres. Foust then tells a story about a mother who wanted to encourage her son, a young piano student, and so bought tickets for a performance of a famous Polish Pianist. The night of the concert they took theirs seats and while the mother visited with friends, her son slipped away.

When suddenly the performance was to begin! The spotlight found the grand piano on the stage and only then did the audience notice the boy innocently picking out Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Before his mother had a chance to respond the Polish Pianist appeared on stage and quickly moved to sit beside the boy and whispered “Don’t quit. Keep playing.”and proceeded to fill in the bass, and then a harmony around the boys’ song. The audience was mesmerized.

Foust continues to say “it is the Master who surrounds us and whispers in our ear, time and time again, “don’t quit. Keep playing.”and as we do, He augments and supplements until a work of amazing beauty is erected. He is right there with all of us, telling us over and over, “keep playing”.

No matter the struggle. No matter the embarrassment, no matter our nerves, our fears and especially our trials, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ stand with us.

In a favorite song of mine the artist tells a little of how he moves past adversity. After he’s struggled, battled, and at last given thanks for making it though, successful or not, he sings:

“I design my future bright, not by where my life has been”

I encourage all of us to faithfully, trusting ing God, move towards adversity with the attitude to learn and when you’ve endured, grown, and changed design your future bright.

Running Ragnar

I ran the Ragnar this weekend and it was....rough. Physically it was hard. Mentally I hit breaking points continually. But along my last leg I got thinking, as I so frequently do, and I remembered how often life is compared to a race. Right? You know what I mean. And then I thought that life is a whole lot more like a relay race like Ragnar. You're there doing something that is SO hard. Physically, emotionally, and mentally you just drop. It's really hard. And that's life. It's hard. It's hard physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. You have to put forth a lot of effort and sometimes while you're "running" you think "I can't do it" and you want to give up!!
On Ragnar they have legs that are supported by your van. So your fellow runners and team members are there to cheer you on and supply you with what you need to keep going. And there are some legs that have no van support. You're essentially on your own. There are other runners of course, but you're not there with each other. You're just there around each other. So you feel alone.
All of that said, I was thinking about it on my last leg. And it occurred to me that our teams in our vans are much like family and friends in life (they happen to be close family and friends frequently while you run the Ragnar and if they're not they become so). These people are your support. They bring you the things you need most when you're at your breaking point. They are part of the reason you make it through to the end.
However, there are times in our lives where we have no "van support". There is no one there. You are essentially alone. And you expect no one to be there for you at your breaking point. But when you feel like you can't go on for even another step someone is there to give you water. Of course on the Ragnar there are water stations. I want to talk about a different kind of water. Something more like Christ. The Living Water. When you've begun to feel completely alone Christ is there to end your thirst. He is there, He encourages you forward, and He motivates you.
And eventually, because of His support, you find yourself at the exchange where another runner is there to bare the burden. And they embark on their run while you have finally found a moment to rest and find peace. Similar to life there are wonderful times of rest, and peace. But there are also times filled with trial.
When I started Ragnar I only knew two people in my half of the team. I was kind of nervous to meet them and get to know them. I mean, we were all there for the same thing but we weren't all exactly friends. We'd just met! But it was truly the people in the car who made the trip. It was so much fun. I got to know my team and I'd like to think that we're all friends now. Friends forced into friendship by difficult and close circumstances, but friends. And I think we'll stay that way if we want to. I definitely want to.
But importantly I want to say that life is full of good and bad things, all the time. And the important thing is not to dwell on just the bad or just the good, but instead to find the happiness through the trial and the struggle. Easier said then done, I know. But I found that we were all sore and tired but we learned to laugh and make jokes anyway. And that's life too! Everyone is sore in life. But we have to be able to joke, and to laugh, and love anyway. It's the struggles mixed all up in the joy that makes life as wonderful as it is.
So I guess those are my lessons learned from Ragnar but just remember that life is a journey where you're never really alone and it's meant to be so much more fun then we let it be sometimes.

Get Out and Get Lost

    I write about life a lot, so I'm gonna write about it again. Life is what we're all living so why not, right? Anyway, I've been thinking a lot (big surprise!) and I think I'm done pretending. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a pretender, but like lots of other people I pretend to be or not to be certain things. I get stuck in this mindset, that I just am. That I simply exist. And I forget that I can be and do whatever I want. It can be frightening, terrifying even, but usually the things we're afraid of doing can be the very things we need to do to move forward.
    Okay, time out! I'm a senior in high school right now, I literally have less than three weeks and I'm done. That's it, it's over, and I'm very okay with that. But not at the same time. Last weekend I spent a couple hours with my best friends being totally silly and just being. We didn't have anything planed, we just talked and it was so good. Which was the first reason I wanted to write this post. Then tonight I went to my Senior Dance, the last dance we ever have in high school. And it was SO much fun. It was just a couple of hours of complete pause in life. I didn't worry about being seen by my peers, or even the boy I like who was dancing with his friends across the room. I didn't worry because I was being me, and not everyone knows me. But that's okay, that's alright, I don't mind.
    Sorry, I'm changing topic again. It'll connect, I promise. ;) My cousin is dealing with a lot of stress right now from various sources right now. And I was listening to her because that's what she needed, someone to listen and love her. While she spoke I thought about how to me she sounded lost. Like she's feeling very alone, and I felt like I understood her more then she thought. Perhaps it's presumptuous but no one is really alone in feeling lost or lonely. It's unfortunately common. I keep a journal, well, religiously. I write everyday, no matter how late it gets, I write something. And I can't count the number of times I've written that I felt lost or totally alone. When I was feeling lost it was the worst. There would be moments where I thought I could feel the path I wanted under my feet and I'd lose it again. So it was also frustrating for me, until I figured it all out.
    If you haven't noticed yet, or my blog is a new thing for you, there's a theme to all my writing. I write about God. I write about being faithful to Him and knowing that He is real. And that's what I figured out. That would make me feel found. Pouring over my scriptures and sinking to my knees to pray has changed my life. And I'm so grateful for it, because now all of my life is permeated with connections to and thoughts of God. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that getting out of my head brings clarity and peace, so I spend time with people, serving, listening, talking, laughing, even dancing. ;) I've been lost. I still get lost. And it's one of my greatest fears, being lost to God, that scares me more then anything, but I know it's a fear that can be concurred. But the point is I guess mostly that I've realized that being really me is the best way to get away from destructive thoughts, and avoid losing my way. Being the me that most people don't know. I don't show myself very often, I've always been afraid of that, but I don't want to be anymore. I want to make friends, and have fun, and be me while I'm at it. And I think part of it all is that I've needed to find a way to accept the real me before everyone else could, but I'm ready for that. I'm ready to stop the pretending. I'm a crazy nerd, I REALLY like the boy I asked on a date this week (Yeah, super brave of me right? I was TERRIFIED!). I love talking to myself in the mirror, and I love listening to loud music. Sometimes I'm down right mean and sometimes I think the terrible jokes people tell are funny. I'm done pretending. I've pretended for a long time that I'm an "open book" but I'm SO closed off. I don't like to tell people what I really think, I don't want people to know how I've really felt, because I'm afraid of showing them the me that I've hidden for so long. Well I'm done, I'm done hiding, I'm done pretending. I want to experience life as me. I want to get out, and get lost, and go crazy. I want to do something I've never done, and I want to try the things I think about. I'm ready. I'm ready to be who I really am, and hopefully I can. Hopefully these aren't just words but actions. I'm ready to rely more completely on God and to really share the person I am and the person I hope to be.