My First Public Record of Derek's Drama

     It's a been a while. I feel like I haven't talked about anything in a really long time. And I have so much to say!! I wish I could get it all out tonight but I have school and it's already late so I'll just say what I loged in to say.
     I've been talking to my cousin who is so stressed. She's going crazy with it! But there's this boy ;) You know what I mean. She's liked him forever. He flirts with her and she goes nuts waiting to see what he'll say and what he'll do but he doesn't do anything. He's a good kid and it's not like she's a bad kid, she just wishes that she knew he liked her. Well, I think it's obvious but that's just me.
     Well, to be honest, I just haven't been able to just talk. I haven't been able to talk to anyone for quite some time. I've been keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself for self-preservation and for the well-being of others I've spent my summer with. It was just today that I started really talking completely freely again. I've never really been one to keep anything to myself. That's why I'm bad with my own secrets, but I just prefer it that way. I enjoy telling people exactly how I feel and why, even if while I'm saying it I'm not entirely sure why I feel the way I do. It's all a process for me. But I love it. I love saying whatever I feel like saying.
This is one of the reasons I have such a hard time with my cousin and her "boy." She's so careful about what she says and so cautious where I would just tell the truth. I don't want to lie and I don't want to be something that I'm not. It's not so much that my cousin does want to be what she is not as much as she wants to present the best version of herself. Which I completely understand. It's not that big a deal. The real deal is that she doesn't have a cell phone so she texts this boy on mine. Now I'm sure you're like "that's weird," or like "that's nice of her" both of which are true. But she's my cousin and to be honest, I kind of like it. It's fun for me. Sometimes I complain but I don't want her to have a phone and hide away all the funny things she tells me. It's one of my favorite things ever! But then she'll leave. And he'll still be texting me. Well texting her but me because it's my phone. So what do I do? I text him back. I tell him that it's me and then we talk. I'm just so not careful with the way I speak so I always worry that I'm going to say "Hey, my cousin is practically in love with you," which would not only be kind of untrue but not fair to either them. And then I would feel terrible. So I have to watch what I say.
     It's the worst, most painful torture I've ever felt in my life! I just want to make everyone feel good, and I want everything to be right. I only want the world to feel good and maybe that's exclusive to me but hey, that's fine. I love putting people at ease. Life should not be as hard as everyone makes it. I'll admit to my fair amount of stress and frustration but give me a break, who doesn't want life to be more simple. I do! I'll take it, I'll call that one out. It's the truth.
     I'm not saying that my cousin likes to have complication in her life, she doesn't. I know that for a fact. But I understand where she's coming from, I just could never do it. I don't know how she can. Life for me is so straightforward when I'm talking to people but it's so strategic for everybody else!
Before I end let me make clear, I love my cousin. She is a sweetheart. There couldn't be anyone more fun and I'm delighted every time we talk and every time we're together. I'm simply pointing out one of our differences. So don't be offended, any of you cousins of mine who might consider yourself my topic...and for those of you who know who I'm talking about, just have a nice laugh and I hope you smiled.

Garbage

There is such potential in a person. Everyone is like this vast ocean of undiscovered greatness. I believe so completely in people to tap into this ocean of theirs and use it to their fullest extent. To harness the energy and to give the world their best work.

Except for nights like this. I hate people who could be so great. Who could show the world so much. They could influence so much for good. 

But they put out garbage. They pollute the world with their trash. And I hate them for it. The least they could do is hand out a disclaimer that says "hey I produce toxic waste, you'll probably regret picking any of my work up."

Honestly? Seriously! Why? Why show the world the worst parts of you? I know for a fact that there is more to a person than that! So why then? Why give the world something that means nothing? Why give the world a product that will only desecrate the mind? 

What is wrong with you?

I've always wanted to put my best work into the hands of the people around me. I still get nervous every time I hit the "publish" button for my blog. No one really cares but because so much of me is in everything I do, I care. I could never give the world something that I wouldn't want my brother to read. Any of them. If they couldn't read it comfortably I wouldn't put it to paper.

Maybe what I don't see is that some people are okay with putting trash into the world. Maybe they just don't care.

Everyone talks about "going green" and saving the environment. Why good will it do us to have a clean environment if our minds are still polluted?

Can we even begin to enjoy the "green" world we create if we can't get our heads out of the dirt? 

Why give the world garbage? If you can influence the world in any way why would you knowingly make it something disgusting? Please, I want to know. Why portray yourself as garbage? Why could you be so stupid! 

The world has enough bad influences, they don't need anymore than they already have. Why would you want to give it exactly what it doesn't need? Why? There's nothing worse than picking up something you think will be beautiful when you find out it's really just as much garbage as everything you would have avoided in a dump. Isn't that were it really belongs? Why are we keeping public garbage?

Four Offenders and A Victim

I've heard people say that there are two sides to every story. The good, the bad.The happy, the sad. The lighthearted, the serious. There's always a different perspective and new view to explore.

I've heard that there are two sides to every person. 

I disagree.

There are so many more sides to a person. It's easy to categorize them all under good or bad. But there will always be so much more to people then the simple black and white of it all. There are parts of a person that will be hidden from the world for a whole lifetime. Parts of people are those that determine so much of who a person is. Who they once were and who they will become. 

Recently I had a sort of confusion. Something that I believe some of my select relations may not agree with. There is a strong sense of justice in the world around me while outside of those circles there tends to be a lack of justice. A disregard for it even. While I don not believe in disregarding something so unique and precious, so forgotten and misused, I do not fall into a category that feels so passionately about it that they see little else in people. 

Personally I like to believe the best in people as frequently as I can. There is so much to a person then what is presented to you in one meeting. A passing glance that they might not even recall. When my peers act in ways I don't understand I try to learn from them. To find why they act as they do. I've found that desire to learn form them lacking as the school year is beginning to settle and release us for those three glorified months.

I was disturbed by a situation. 

A situation in which one was extremely wronged by others. However, when the situation turned for the worst (it was already bad, traumatizing and detrimental to say the least) the majority of the Offenders retreated. Ran for cover, for a temporary escape while one remained. One who had not participated in their actions, while not preventing they participant's actions, stayed to help the Victim. When the Offender and Victim were found the Offender did nothing in way of defence. Only let them take him away while help was rushed to this Victim. The Victim, although awake through it all and in excruciating pain saw the redeeming qualities of a person who, although they had put this Victim in pain, had tried to make it right afterwards. There was a reason for forgiveness and this person found that they wanted to give their forgiveness willingly. The Victim kept telling their guardian that they wanted to make a statement to the police and the courts. He'd done nearly nothing wrong. It was alright. He was okay. This Offender was rushed away as if a danger, he looked back with only regret for what had happened. What he had done. The Victim stared on, hoping against all odds that perhaps their words would soften the blow that was inevitably coming for the four offenders. 

The beauty of someone wanting to forgive and help someone who had so readily hurt them in magic. There was regret felt by this Offender but there was no taking back the actions that the Offenders committed. They were, as so many things in life are, irrevocable. The pain and repercussions of these Offenders' actions will follow them for years and perhaps, if you believe in that way, the life to come. While this kind, forgiving, and compassionate Victim would only live through the most public of parts in their lives. None of the participants would ever feel as pure or as clean as the Victim could someday feel after all was said and done. When words were done and when all that would be left was the reflection of a very bad memory, a cruel joke gone very very bad. There was little chance the Offenders would make it to a clear conscience in their lifetime. 

There is some loss in justice when someone, someone who is as guilty of the crime as others, is left holding the bag because they stayed to help. To try to fix what they had defiled and deprecated. There was no fixing what was broken and burned down but no one ever said that trying couldn't help. 

While there might not be justice from a world stand point, were it must not be deserved, it will not be the end. 

In my eyes there is a greater justice in the fourth Offender being able to overcome the tragic event and to be able to live with a clear mind and conscience. Where the other Offenders will not, should not, ever be allowed to live without the guilt and consequences of their horrific and heinous acts. That is the greatest justice that this world can offer. Knowing that you are clear and free in your heart and soul may make your mind go mad while imprisoned unjustly but there is no freedom like that of knowing that you have been true. Have been honest and have done all you could do. 

Knowing that you are not guilty of all the crimes committed. 

So Justice. Mercy. Grace. Life. Love. Forgiveness and Compassion. Things that we can only try to give and things that only God will always grant. 

I guess the point was to express troubled thoughts I've had so I would admonish all readers to put it aside if they do not understand. Some things are not easily understood because there are too many sides to a person to truly understand them through something so simple as a few carefully written words. 

Life is Beautiful

I'm not very good at being alone.

Sometimes I like to be alone. When I need to think or when I'm troubled.

I guess what I mean to say is that I'm not very good at feeling alone.

I can be all by myself for a whole day and not feel lonely.

There are a lot of stages in a life. Birth. Child. Teenager. Adult. Marriage. Having kids. Death.

All of these stages are like really differently sized steps in a staircase. We can't forget the stepping stone of school of course. Preschool. Kindergarten. Elementary. Junior high. High School. Collage.

Everything in our lives are something that moves us forward. Where we end when we finish climbing those steps is up to us. It's something I don't know all of yet. I do know that feeling alone happens to me when I feel like I haven't quite made it up one of those steps and someone I love is already there and I'm left behind. I get all alone and moved into the background.

There's nothing wrong with the people I love moving forward when they're ready. I just have heartache when they're gone.

These stepping stones are wonderful. People are always so happy to see them come about. But first, for their best friends who get left behind, there's a loss. A loss that no one really wants to talk about. One that's hard to explain but almost impossible not to feel.

It's when someone gets something and you're so sad that you can't be part of it because you're just not there yet. Maybe you're not there emotionally, physically or any other reason someone may have for not being there. There are so many reasons. But part of you aches so badly to be able to do what they've just done. A longing, an aching, urning for something that you are afraid of but know that you want. Someday. Today's not the day but you know that someday, someday you'll have it. Someday you'll want it more then anything and you'll have it. You'll get it and then you and your lost friend will be reunited in that unity and similarity.

But until then, you'll feel lonely for a few moments. It wont last long because those stepping stones of life are always superseded by joy and love and happiness. Sometimes pain and heartbreak but often there's more happiness then anything else. 

For me there's this pain. A pain that's hardly bearable for that brief moment between being sad that something is changing and realizing how happy you are. A pain that wracks your whole being with an aching pain.

When I think of pain I think of tears. It's not always how people deal with pain or heartache but it's how I think of it. 

Tears are strange to me. We used them when we were little and scraped our knees. We used them when we got hit by our brother. But then we also used them when the kid in our class told us they hated us. And when your sister tells you to get out of her room because she's to busy for you. You use them when you date people as you get older and you use them when you see pain. When you feel loss or when you see the loss of others. We all show tears at some point. Some more then others but even the least likely of people let their tears fall once in a while. It's hard to avoid. 





There are a lot of saying about pain and sadness. There are a lot of reason for people to be sad. But there are just as many if not More reasons for people to be happy. Life is a beautiful thing and there's no stopping that unless you don't want it to be. Happiness is something that you create inside of yourself. It's something that you have inside of you. Something that you have to create using your resources. 

Something that I'm terrified to misconstrue is that people don't always have to be happy. Sometimes it's best to show your painful emotions. The ones that make you cry. The ones that hurt the most. Sometimes we need to be angry to get to the sad. Sometimes we need to cry to let go of the loss. Sometimes we need to show our tears because tears are like pictures. They show a thousand things that we can't explain in words. 

This is kind of how life is. It's a lot of emotions and it's beautiful. I recommend loving it because it only happens once. So feel your emotions. Respond accordingly. And love every good thing you come in contact with. Don't forget that it's our responsibility to be happy. Don't lose sight of the things that make you truly happy. That make the sun look more perfect today then yesterday. The things that make life better then you ever thought it could be. Make your life shine. Make it brighter then it's ever been. Make your life beautiful.