"Don't you Remember" by Adele

"When will I see you again?
You left with no good bye, not a single word was said"
There are some people in everyone's life who change. Everyone changes but some people change into someone or something you just can't recognize. Something so different from your life style that you just don't know how to be around them. And you'll try, and try, and try to be with them. To make this person who you love, a part of your life but for reasons that you just can't ever explain it just never seems to work. Something always messes it all up. Sometimes you can see the person that they were come back to the surface but that never stays. You can't help but feel like they've just left you. They leave without a single word, not even a good bye to the person that they are and you never get to seem them again. 
"But don't you remember? Don't you remember?
The reasons you loved me before"
Sometimes this person who changes in your life really is someone that you love. You love them and you think that they love you. But you're just never sure no matter how many times you try to dispel your doubt. It's always left to be questioned. For most people there seems to be a breaking point. There's just this part of them that can't handle that person any more and they have to do something. Anything to cope with it. Some people might get angry but we all know that anger is a secondary emotion. After the anger come the tears so hurt, frustration, pain, sadness. 
"When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory"
These people in our lives make us feel forgotten and useless to them. Our existence in their lives seem completely pointless. When they do remember us sometimes we wish that they hadn't. Sometimes their rememberings are worse than forgetting about us all together. Sometimes we do wish that we could be completely erased from someone's memory but there always seems to be a part of me that could never really want to be totally forgotten even when the pain has been blown right through your heart and all the way to your soul. 
"I gave you space so you could breath.
I kept my distance so you would be free.
And hope you find the missing piece
To bring you back to me."
Everyone forever tells you that there's always hope for any person that you might not feel hope for. Can I just say that I am so sick of hearing that sort of thing come out of peoples' mouths. What if I just don't want to feel hope any more? What if I just want to give up? What if I just don't want to have hope right then? Don't I have the right to feel a little despair? How come people can't just hold you and let you cry or rant or scream or scowl? Why don't people ever let us feel and do what we want instead of holding us into the confines of social acceptance? No one is ever there to let you get everything out of your system when you're alone in your bedroom. That's when girls cry the most. When no one can see them or hear them. At night after everyone is asleep the curl up on their beds and cry. What's wrong with the world that our pain and sorrow isn't acceptable to show in public or even with just another person? Why does everyone want you to have so much hope and cheer all the time? Why can't we all just feel our pain when it comes instead of having people push it to the side telling us that we aren't allowed to be heartbroken and in pain?
"I had no idea of the state we were in"
With people like this it's hard to know where everything stands because they change so fast that you can almost see it happening. And if I could say that line any way I wanted I would say 'of the state you were in' instead of we because you should always know your own state of being. I hope you do know. I pray that people will know who they are. Sometimes there are people who just don't know who or where they are. 
"...please remember me once more."

I need you....

I need you like a fish needs water

I need you like a baby needs diapers

I need you like a plant needs the sun

I need you like a bird needs the sky

I need you like a worm needs the earth

I need you like a pen needs paper

I need you like a teacher needs homework

I need you like a kid needs summer

I need you like an author needs an idea

I need you like a musician needs notes

I need you like a doctor needs disease

I need you like a dead creature needs decomposers

I need you like hair needs a head

I need you like fingers need nails

I need you like a person needs toes

I need you like a girl needs a crush

I need you like a story needs a conflict

I need you like a criminal need a prison

I need you like a computer needs Internet access

I need you like Mexico needs the beach

I need you like a Palm tree needs sand

I need you like vacation needs family

I need you like girls need gossip

I need you like braces need to be brushed

I need you like music needs a dance

I need you like the Hobie Cat needs to be repaired every year

I need you like a girl needs her best friend

His Shadow

She swallowed to see the size of his shadow
She closed her eyes to pray
She drew the courage to stand out of his shadow
She felt herself get pushed down
She sighed at the size of his shadow
She feels her determination rise
She fights will all her strength against his shadow
She feels herself fall
She looks and feels despair when she sees his shadow
She longs to stay down and cry
She knows she can't give in to his shadow
She finds her efforts in vain
She knows that it can't last; his shadow
She renews her conviction in her cause
She finds herself still in the darkness of his shadow
She still fights, she won't give up
She sees how others love living in his shadow
She can't stand to let herself do that
She steps out into the light away from his shadow
She fights to stay free of that prison
She knows they want her to say in his shadow
She feels the pressure making her fall to her knees
She knows there is safety and secrets in the silence of his shadow
She prays for power to fight this
She stands and leaves his shadow 
She sees know that what he covered was not so large
She can finally leave behind his shadow
She can leave with absolution 

Dreams

I think it's an interesting word; dream. What does it even mean, really? The dictionary definition is as follows; Dream-noun, a secession of images thoughts or emotions passing through the mind during sleep. That's not exactly what I think when I think of dreams, but then sometimes it is. When I talk about my dreams they're always my great goals in life. And I get the feeling that people think I'm a little nuts for having dreams that are so vivid behind my eyes. I can see my dreams like I've never seen anything in my life. I'm totally sure what will happen when I get to do and be what I want but I can't wait. It's going to be perfect, I'm sure of it. I worry that someone will tell me that my dreams aren't up to par. That I need to have a better dream for myself. I don't think that will ever happen . I like my dreams just the way they are. But for me my dreams are really only goals for my life time.
I've seen people who dream. They are very much like the definition. But to me there are a few different types of dreaming. There's the actually action of dreaming while you sleep at night, or I guess you could take a nap and dream too. Any way another type of dreaming is the common daydreaming, I've seen that one happen a lot. Kids enjoy this one while they're in math or science. Anything is better than those classes. Another type of dreaming is like mine, goals you make for your life. Generally those goals are things that we tend to love, that we want to do. Those dreams are something you want to aspire to. I like this kind.
But every person has a different dream. I want to someday be a great author. I want to do something great for the whole world. But then there's my brother who wants to play in the NBA. I think that's crazy but if that's what he wants to do then good for him. I was sitting on the steps of the stage in my school yesterday. I was looking up at the bright lights and was reminded of those scenes in movies where they imagine themselves preforming on the stage and being great. My first thought was, I am so glad that's not my dream. Silly, I know, but I really am. It's not me. If it was my dream I wouldn't be the person that I am. I don't want everyone to watch me while I live my life. I don't want to be the center of attention for anyone. I just want to write my books and have young kids like me ask for my advice. I want to share all of my great ideas and my view of the world, and people. I can hardly wait. Everyone has a dream. I know what mine is, what's yours?

The Parts of Me

There are parts of me that want to be angry. 

Parts that want to be pitied. 

There are parts of me that want to cry all night long. 

Parts that want my mother to come in and hold me. 

Parts of me want to lay down and dream of better things. 

Part of me wishes that I knew how. 

Part of me wants to express to the whole world how I feel about all I feel. 

There is a part of me that feels like a gaping wound that can never be healed. 

That part of me sees people suffer and groans with pain. 

There is a part of me that longs for the day when what I've always longed to know, I will know. 

Part of me sees people smile and laugh. That part of me smiles and laughs for their happiness. 

Part of me knows that I'm meant for a little more. Another part prays that my life will be uneventful. 

There is a part of me that is excited by the thought of daring adventures and terrible challenges.

Part of me is captivated by the desire for change.

Part of me threatens the life of those who want to change anything I love. 

There is part of me that knows I can change the world.

Part of me knows that this ability to change things is just out of my reach. 

Part of me begs to know how to change the world. Part of me knows that no matter how much good I do, evil is what the world is addicted to. 

There is a part of me that believes I can help this addicted world. 

Help it change. 

There is a part, a part hidden so far from view, that longs to love every person I meet. 

But there is a part that shouts over this hidden part and tells me that no one would believe the sincerity of my longing to love. 

Part of me says it's not true.

But part of me gives into the shouting voice.

Feelings

     I don't get it. I feel like everyone feels so differently than I do. When I go to a family event I want to stay until they kick me out. I don't want to leave before anyone else. Maybe that attitude started when I was younger. When my mother went a couple hours early to ever gathering and left a couple hours late to every gathering. I loved it. I was there when my favorite people arrived and I was there when they left. I never had to worry about missing anyone because I was there already. No one could come and go without me seeing them first because I was in charge of the doors. It was perfect. Then when the people I wanted to really sit down and talk to came in I could sit down and just talk to them. No worries about anything. But why would I ever want to leave the people I love before I had to?
     When I was in like 4th grade I was talking about one of my cousins and I distinctly remember someone looking at me and saying "You like being with your cousins? I hate my cousins." I mostly remember thinking, "How could anyone hate the people you're stuck with for forever." I didn't know. I don't think I ever will. Maybe people like to leave family things early because they will have forever, but that doesn't really make sense. If you have to spend forever with someone then why not get to know them the best you can? Nothing matters to me like the people who I'm related to. There are some people who are comparable in my love for them and they're only good friends but think about the people you love that much. Are they not the people that you always hope can marry into the family some how? They are usually the people who you want to be part of your family. Some might say that the reason for that is because they want some sort of tie to that person but you don't need to have someone be an official part of the family to have a tie with them. You really just want them to be with you forever. I know the feeling. There really is nothing quite like it.
     Sometimes I think that I'm a strange teenager. Most teens don't want to be with their family and they wish that they could just live with their friends all the time, but not me. I love my friends. I do. But they will never mean the same thing to me as my family. Friends are a great break from your family but Family is Forever and friends are for the times in between. There isn't much time there. There are some friends I would beg to have with me forever but I can't think of many. There's one main friend and the rest I can be happy knowing are happy with their own families. I could die if I didn't know that I get to be with my family forever. It's one of the most comforting things in my whole life. So when I kneel down to pray at night I thank our Heavenly Father for giving me that gift if I'm worthy of it. If there is anything that has motivated me more than this, I don't know what it is. I don't want to spend my Saturday nights with my friends painting nails and talking about boys in our English class. I don't mind but I would much rather stay with my family every day. Is that what we're here for? To be apart of a family and have one of our own? Someone correct me if I'm wrong. I just want to know if my pain for being parted with the people I love more than anything else in the world is unnatural. And if it is please tell me why. I don't know what to do when my mom tells me that we're leaving the latest reunion. I want to fall to the ground and beg her for another hour, for ten more minutes so that I can just be where I feel most loved. I feel the best I've ever felt when I'm with my family. I don't worry about the world or what they think. I only know that there really are people out there who love me and I've never loved anyone more. But something in everyone else is different. They don't want to be with them the way I want to. It's like I never want to leave them and people don't feel that way? Why not? People are so great! Especially the people who already love you, so why? Why doesn't everyone feel the way I do? I could spend....well I could spend forever with my family. So why doesn't everyone feel that way? What did I do wrong? Or what did I do right? What makes it different? Why don't you feel that way?
     There are so many kinds of love. There's the kind of love between siblings and parents. There's the kind of love between friends. There is even a kind of love between enemies, otherwise they wouldn't hate one another so much. There's a romantic love. The best kind of love I've ever felt (I haven't felt them all, it could change for sure), is the love I feel for my extended family. My cousin used to tell me that cousins are the best. You don't fight with them like you do siblings. You don't feel any need to be anything more or less than you really are around them. I don't know if that's just my family but it's the best. There is no better way to feel accepted. I never feel left out when I get to spend time with my cousins. I never feel bad about myself. I never worry about what other people will think because I'm finally being myself. I don't have to worry about what my cousins will think because they love me anyway. So why don't I get to be with them all the time? Do they know that there is yet to be anything better in my life? Maybe they have what I'm missing. Maybe that's it. I just don't have what they do yet and that's why I feel this way. Or maybe I'm no missing anything at all. I like all the music everyone else does. I don't like very much music that everyone else likes because it's bad. I get made fun of because I'm not the middle school "perfect" but I still smile. So why am I punished? Why don't I get to be with the people who don't care if I straiten my hair or wear size six jeans? Why can't I just be with people who are so much fun? I could spend every minute of my young life with those people so why, why not? Why do we have to go to school, why do we have to live in separate cities, states, countries (only occasionally)? So when that does happen I promise never to complain. When I get there I will say so long to all the people who are not part of forever for me and I'll keep walking. I can't wait to walk into forever. It won't be an easy walk, more like a tedious hike but it's the only hike I'm really willing to take. I can hardly wait. Perhaps I'll just keep smiling and keep walking. Because sooner or later I'm gonna get there and then it wont matter what happened on the way up the mountain because I finally got to see the view and for the first time it was really worth it for me. Nothing bad will have truly happened because forever fixes the things that need to be fixed. I wont have to cry. I won't have to hurt anymore. It will be the best thing that ever happens to me.

A Prose of Poetry for the Wandering and Confused

I wish we would just keep

driving, driving, driving

On through the night

on,on,on

My mind tells me

silly, silly, silly

My heart bursts with

run, run, run

Urging me on,

never, never, never

Everyone tells me,

silly, silly, silly

My mind tells me 

GO! GO! GO!

But when no one told me to go my heart 

stopped, stopped, stopped

Screaming for what I don't have 

pounding, pounding, pounding

Finally they tell me

hurry, hurry, hurry

But my heart tells me

stop, stop, stop

And my mind whispers

"Don't turn me away"

Silently in the dark makes it easy to see

flickering, flickering, flickering

Bright lights blind my vision of the small light of the 

candle, candle, candle

In the distance, as darkness descends and 

I see it, I see, see

When I see the voices leave me like birds

birds, birds, birds

As a cold, dark winter closes in

void, void, void. 

Slowly the car stops moving on

moving, moving, moving

The Talented

The definition for talented is: a special natural ability or aptitude. And the definition for talented is:having talent or special ability; gifted. 


Well this is an interesting post. It started out as something I was going to vent into and then it just sat here for like a year and a half. It all started because someone dissed on Michale Phelps. I was trying to defend him in some way from the things that boys in my 8th grade math class had said but I couldn't figure out what I was going to say. I was stuck, having a hard time getting past the terrible things he had done to himself and the example he shouldn't have set for the rest of the world. Well it wasn't until just recently that I figured out what it is that I like  about this swimmer. He's talented. Before I go on I want to clarify what I've said about Michale Phelps so that no one gets the wrong  idea, I don't condone the things he's done. I think that they're awful but I can enjoy his talent. Talent is something I feel like I don't have more often than not because mine are more subtle than other peoples. The thing that helped me figure this out was watching my brothers basketball team and the way I treated him and how I wanted to treat the team. Well I care about people but when I don't know people I like to find reasons to like them anyway. So it's really easy for me to find reason to like the basketball team because they're talented. They're incredible. Okay, not quite collage level but I can't do what they do and they have a "special" or "natural ability" for the game. I stink at it! I love that they love what they do and I don't want to see that go away. 
One of things that makes me the happiest with myself is when I do something I love to do. Something you could say is my "passion." You might not say that high school boys are filled with the most "passion" for what they do but some of them are going to grow up and play professionally. I know my brother wants to do that so you could definitely say that he has a passion for playing basketball. And when people get up to play professionally and do things in the Olympics are (or should be) passionate about what they're doing. I hate to see something that beautiful and admirable leave a person. I want to do anything I can to preserve that in those people who are talented. And there are so many talents that people possess in this world that it's amazing! And some people are more talented than others but it shouldn't ever discredit any persons talent. And some talents are so different too! Like one of my brothers is great with politics while the other who's not so great in that area but still good is better with people and the like. I have one sister who loved to take care of people and help them so she made it her profession. But then there are the people who may be good with people but are not as good as them and would rather use a talent of theirs like being able to play an instrument. I have cousins who can sing beautifully and others who can play instruments like I could never dream of doing. It's amazing and wonderful and somehow I can appreciate that others have gifts like this rather than being envious of them. My talents don't exactly lie in any of the categories I've talked about, music, sports, or in dealing with people, but that doesn't mean that I don't have talents that can be recognized. Everyone has talents all their own if they only look for them. But my advice is not to spend to much time worried about your own talents and enjoy everyone else's because that's when I find myself having the most fun. When other people share their talents and thanking them for it. How ever that may be, if you tell someone they sounded great when they sing or when they have a recital. If it's telling them they played a game well or whatever, thanking them is something that almost everyone can appreciate. It should just be done but unfortunately for me it's one of the hardest things for me to do. Just a simple "thank you" to someone I don't know can practically kill me. But you know what, I do it anyway. It's really important to me to let people know that I was pleased because of something they did. I just think that talents are awesome and I know they're hard work, everything is, but I think they are so worth it! So be one of the talented but be one in your own way. You don't have to be like anyone else if you don't want to be.   

Ever After

I have this thing for fairy tales and happily ever afters. I always have. I was kind of a skeptical little girl when it came to fairy tales but I always loved bedtime stories. And as I got older I started to love fairy tales more and more. I loved thinking that maybe I could be a princess, I could be beautiful and live happily for ever and ever with someone I loved and who loved me. This was a really big thing when I was around 12 and 13. It's still huge for me but it's a little more realistic now (not much but a little). The thing is I have this brother or I guess brothers. They are trying to find the person they want to merry. Well obviously they are still searching and they grow skeptical as I was as a little, little girl. One of them once said "there's no such thing as true love" and I was aghast. I couldn't believe that they would say something so awful! Well as I've grown, emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually, I have come to know that what ever they want to believe is completely their own belief. Because there is almost nothing I believe in more than true loves and happily ever afters. Not because I'm some princess fanatic but because as I was told when I got into Young Womens (something they say a lot actually, something to do with our self esteem or something like that) was that we are daughters of a king. I love applying that to all the people I know. Especially when I struggle to get along with them. Well I was talking to one of my brothers closer to my age one day and I told me that if we are all children of a king then we are all princesses and prince's  and therefore we are entitled to have a happily ever after and a wonderful adventure. Adventure. That could entitle a whole different topic to discus. I think it's the adventure that pulled me in long before the romance and true love. Well I know that their adventures in all the fairy tales are some what silly  and kind of ridiculous but I always loved them. They use the adventures to profess the way they feel and what better way to tell a girl you love her than kill the dragon that's imprisoning her? No, your right, killing an evil sea witch is a much better idea. Well who knew that was how a guy was supposed to do it. No wonder my brothers are having a little bit of trouble. That part of the story is all about their love and the personable part of the story. Where it's emotion that drives it on. And everyone can relate to feeling emotion. That's one of the great wonders of our world to me. If we see someone cry we know what that means. They're sad. Well I love it! I love that a smile says your happy, tears relate your pain, and I know it doesn't go in depth but it's still so wonderful. You can relate to the smallest and simplest forms of emotion. Now someone might be happy for several reasons but are those reasons important if someone you don't know smiles at you. Are you going to stop them and ask why they're so happy or are you going to smile back? If you don't smile back shame on you! Always smile. It's the most wonderful thing the world. But that's a different post. Even though my brothers haven't fallen in love and they haven't woken their true love with a kiss after she's been poisoned with an evil red apple it doesn't mean they can't watch that happen in a movie and know that they want to be in love. My brother said the sweetest thing once, he was watching one of those romantic chick flicks with all of us as a family and after it was over he closed his eyes. Smiling he leaned back and said "Oh, my heart hurts! I want to be in love so bad!" I've always remembered him saying that. It was so him but it was also so true. When you watch someone fall in love and you can actually feel your heart hurt. Not in a bad way at all, in the best way possible. Sometimes I say that "My heart hurts" and people just smile because they think it's cute but it's so true. That's a happily ever after for you.
On to another point about me, of course. Well there's this song. I'm sure some of you have heard it. It's called "White Horse" by Taylor Swift. In that song she says "This ain't a fairy tale" and one time I was listening to that in the car with my mom when I thought of something. I said "I hate that!" and my mom looked at me curiously but not saying anything. "I hate that she says it's not a fairy tale. I wish she would say 'this ain't my fairy tale'" that's when my mother decided to speak. "Why?" So I told her. "I think everyone is entitled to their very own fairy tale and I think she deserves one too." She seemed to think that was odd but I really do believe that. AND! I do know a few things other people don't get to know because I have the only true gospel on the earth today!! I know that God is just. I know that he wants us all to come back to him and have what he has. Well to get that we have to be married. I'm pretty darn sure that Heavenly Father doesn't have a lame story. I bet he has a real, like an actual reality sort of real, fairy tale. He lives happily ever after. This is where my other thought about ever afters comes in. They aren't always going to be happy!
I know, shocking right? Happily ever after not being happy all the time! Yeah that part of the story is where I'm still the same skeptical little girl I've always been. I hate to be the one bursting bubbles here but life isn't always happy. In fact a lot of the time it's down right sad or painful. That has to be accepted. Life is tough. I know that and I really don't think I knew that until last June. Death is the worst kind of pain and it's aweful to see the people you love in that kind of pain while you're feeling it too. You also have to accept that happily ever after doesn't mean that it will be easy. Like I said. Life is hard and painful. But in the end it's all going to be worth it. Heavenly Father feels pain every time one of his wonderful children goes astray so don't be his pain. And give yourself a happily ever after. I believe in them. I really do. I live my life dreaming about it. Knowing that someday, life will still be hard, life will still hold pain and trial, but in your ever after you get to be with the person you're in love with. Could it be any better?? Everyone I've talked about in this post either has or is going to someday have that person with them. I know everyone will.
One more part of ever after that I have to point out. It doesn't always have to be the romantic dream. I know that's what everyone thinks when they think of ever after but what about your other dreams? Right like mine is, as everyone knows, to be an author. The part of that dream that I haven't shared with anyone in the whole wide world is that it's not all I want to do. I want to change things. I want people to be inspired. I don't care if they agree with what I think or not I just want people to see why I am the way I am. I want people to know what I believe in and what I think is wrong or right. More than anything I want to be done away with things that will ruin a wonderful world. I envision something wonderful and all I want to do is share that vision with other people. That's really hard for me to do but that's the biggest part of my dream. And that dream of mine belongs to happily ever afters. I see a happily ever after when I think of what I might be able to do. Even with just one person. I long to help people reach the best point in their lives. I long to be apart of that. So aside from the true love that I adore about fairy tales I admire and aspire to the dreams that are reached. Things I want to tell people all the time are to dream big. Not those silly little dreams like you want to met a celebrity. You can dream for that but don't make something that trivial and simple be your biggest dream. Dream on through the eternities. Because those are the best kind of dreams. The ones that last. And my last bit. Look forward to your happily ever after. Don't let it scare you, don't worry about it. We have it pretty simple friends. Just follow the things you know are true, ("follow your heart, that's what I always do"). Just remember that life doesn't end with finding your spouse and getting married, it doesn't even end with death. So dream further than that! Have an ever after that can be admired in the eternities to come.