Happening Without My Permission

Is graduation supposed to be exciting? Because I don't think I feel it. I think I'm plagued by my distaste for change. I want adventures but my heart remains inside a well lit cheery little room with paintings on the walls and bookshelves so full that books lay all over the floor and on all the surfaces. My heart wants to keep dreaming but it's afraid to act. My life is full of crazy beautiful dreaming but my actions fall short of the adventures I picture in my mind. Graduation is supposed to be the start of an adventure, isn't? Perhaps I feel confused because it's the end of one too.
I only have two months left of high school and I'm so glad. But my heart still hurts. Sometimes when I'm alone when I leave or come to school I look around and think how grateful I am that I've had this time. It wasn't all fun and it definitely wasn't all easy and I've had to learn a lot. Not all of it academic. A lot of what I've learned has been about myself and about others and I keep realizing there's so much more to learn and even though sometimes I think I know a lot I realize I don't know very much, at all. And I'd like to know more.
When I'm doing some things people ask why I like them or why I want to do that and I feel silly because the only reason I have is because it makes my heart happy. I can express all the things I feel and it's like finally my heart is seen. People stop just hearing me and they see me. They see what I need and what's going on inside.
Sometimes I'm a protester of convention. I don't want to walk at my high school graduation. But at the same time I want to have those pictures with my friends and I want us all to be together and to have fun and I know I'll miss them. But I feel torn. I don't really know how to be okay missing people I love and loving new people all at once.
Anyway, I don't know how to feel excited about graduation. Because part of me doesn't think it's happy. Most of me is thrilled, but part of me is afraid that all the things I learned and loved will be gone when I'm gone too.
I'm about to be an adult, officially, but I don't think I want to be. I already act mostly like an adult. I have for a long time but I don't want to HAVE to act like an adult. At least right now I can choose to be whatever I want. Child or adult. And it's okay. Not so tomorrow.
So I'm going to take a deep breath and let myself be filled with the hope, the excitement, and all the happy anticipation because that's how I want to feel about all of this. It's going to be good. Everything happens the way it should and it happens because we need things to happen. Whether we want them to or not, so I might as well make the most of it.

Immeasurable

I have a friend who has been dating this boy for almost six months now. When they started dating I was a little sad. She is one of my very best friends and I was worried she'd be too preoccupied to hangout with me anymore. But I also wanted to know who she was dating because I figured if I was friends with him then I had an immediate in and was more likely to be able to spend time with her. When people found out who she was dating I got mixed reviews. A lot of people had some nasty things to say about him because of his behavior in middle school and early high school. I politely told these people that if my friend thought he was good enough for her to date that there must be something about him and that I would like to judge for myself.
I have since become his friend and to my delight I have discovered how wonderful he is. We have a class together, and there were many days where I didn't know if I could take it and seeing him brightened my day. I told my brother about this boy and said "She could do a lot worse, but I'm not sure she could do much better," he's just that kind of good.
This boy has now received his mission call. I'm absolutely thrilled for him. He has, some days, been a literal ray of sunshine. So many times I have walked into school feeling tired, discouraged, and unmotivated, only to see this boy. He'll stop and talk to me, he'll wave, or even just make faces in my direction. It's so simple and seemingly insignificant, yet monumental to me. His enthusiasm for life and for the goodness in the world is more soothing to your soul then almost anything I've ever come across. My gratitude towards him for taking such good care of my friend and for teaching me a new love for life is immeasurable.

Teach Me To Be Brave

I wanna be brave. Sometimes I think I am and sometimes people tell me that I am but then I doubt it. So frequently I can't breath and I panic because I become so afraid. People are forever talking about fairy tales and Disney movies. Happy endings and grand adventures. Handsome superheros and beautiful villains. Then I get so caught up in all of the excitement, my heart races, I get flushed, I can't stop rattling on about how much I love it and then everyone goes away. People go home, or go to bed and I'm all alone.
They tell me I'm so brave and people are so proud or so impressed with me because of my strength. They say I do things with confidence that would terrify so many others. I walk into situations and experiences excited and capable where others fumble and give up. But at the end of the day it wasn't anything special and I'm alone again.
I can do a lot of things that other people can't. But sometimes I wish I could just do the things that everyone else can do without falling to my knees in panic and trying to remind myself to breath. There are a lot of types of bravery. Sometimes it's fixing your own mistakes and having the courage to make things right. Other times it's being willing to sacrifice yourself for others because you believe in something. You have a cause. Then there's just being brave. Brave enough to do the right thing all the time and listening to the spirit when you hear him because you're brave enough. Because you have enough faith.
In Disney's Brave Merida makes a mistake but is willing to do the work to make it right. In Frozen Anna is willing to sacrifice her life for her sisters. Ariel follows her heart even though she doesn't make all the best choices. Cinderella braves the wrath of her stepmother for long enough to live out a dream. Tiana is brave enough to dream big and to chase after her dream without hesitation. Then when she faces a severe change in plans she's brave enough to change with them. Wendy is brave enough to grow up. Jasmine wants to be free, she wants to experience something and she's brave enough to run away, if only for one day. Rapunzel is brave enough to follow her dreams, to fall in love, and to chase after the adventure she's always wanted. The point is, they're all brave enough to dream.
How can I be that kind of brave if I don't even know what my dreams are? I want adventure but I don't want to get lost along the way. I want to fall in love but I don't want to get hurt. I want to be flexible enough to change but I don't want to readjust my plans. I want to be independent but I don't want to grow up. I can barely dream about having a good day, how can I dream about anything larger? I want to be brave but I don't know how.
I get so caught up watching and reading these adventures but when I find myself sitting alone I suddenly remember all the reasons I'm afraid. All the reasons I can't. I don't know how to be brave. I don't know how I'd face an adventure if it presented itself to me. I'm barely brave enough to walk out the door smiling each day let alone anything more distant or more pressing. How can I be brave?

Truth and Second Chances

I met this boy while I was spending time with my cousin. (I know, my cousin again. But I learn a lot with her so I have to talk about it.) I have had the opportunity to talk with him one on one on several different occasions. I have found him to be, like most people, flawed. But his virtues far outweigh his faults. I have found that he's delightfully charming. As far as I can tell he's quite kind, considerate, he means well, and most importantly I've come to see that his heart is in the right place. He wants to be his best and he is continually trying to improve himself.
There are those, however, who associate with my cousin and with this boy and they don't speak highly of him. I was surprised....even a little shocked by their general dislike towards him. And I asked my cousin "Have they ever actually talked to him face to face because I don't understand where they're coming from?".
Let's step away for a moment. In church today we talked about bullying. And I hate bullying. It seems common sense to me that you just treat people with kindness and respect no matter who they are or what they do. It's not our place to judge or to discipline. Our only role is to be Christ-like to all those we come in contact with. The brother who was speaking talked a little about how we often label people when we don't really understand them. We haven't really talked to them or we only know about them through rumors and gossip. You can not judge people based on another's experience. You do not know what that person is struggling with or what their relationship with God is. It's not your place.
So, pulling it all together, I don't understand these high school age kids who "know" this boy. They talk about him and I wonder if they met the same boy I did. The flawed, yet kindhearted and thoughtful young man. It's bizarre to me and sad. Here is this boy who is really quite amazing, and they ignore him or take him for granted because they have never taken the time to know him.
I'm of the opinion that all people have something wonderful and beautiful to offer the world and how could you ever want to miss out on something that could enrich your life simply because you listened to someone else's opinion. Or because you heard a rumor. Or even because that person was unkind on one occasion. Second chances and truth should be your mindset. Upon the event of hearing about someone weather talk of them be bad or good, take it upon yourself to meet them, talk to them. When you approach a person willing to understand them and care about them, they will respond in kind.

Taking You There

I'm talking about a couple of songs today. Important ones of course. I was actually running to them today and I noticed a similar theme, but maybe I'm the only one who's seen it, so let me tell you. In "On Top Of The World" by Imagine Dragons it says:

I've had the highest mountains
I've had the deepest rivers
You can have it all but life keeps moving
I take it in but don't look down
'Cause I'm on top of the world

And then in this new song called "Flaws" by Bastille (okay, relatively new, I just heard it for the first time a few days ago and I LOVE it) they say:

All of your flaws and all of my flaws,
When they have been exhumed
We'll see that we need them to be who we are
Without them we'd be doomed

I think it's pretty self explanatory but let me show you. Imagine Dragons in that part of the song are saying that he's had the highest mountains, deepest rivers but life keeps going and you just can't look down, but pretty soon you find yourself on top of the world. Then in "Flaws" he says that we need our flaws to be who we really are and that without them we're "doomed". And it occurred to me that we need the mountains and the rivers in life to know ourselves and to get ourselves where we want to be in life, our literal top of the world. So when you feel like you can't take it any longer or that you're at your wit's end remember that it's all the rivers you cross and the mountains you climb that will show you who you really are and take you where you want to go. And don't forget that you don't climb your mountains or cross your rivers alone. When you've had so much that you can't stand, try kneeling for a little while. It's by overcoming our "flaws" (literal or figurative) that we can finally stand on top of the world.

Scary Movie Observations

          Spending time with one of my cousins opened my eyes to something. I frequently spend time with her and with her boy friends. Usually the one's she is currently interested in. And I've met two or three of them but in the last month I've met the two she's liked most and they're very good friends so it's been a titch of a sticky situation. Tonight I met one of them I was surprised by him. Surprised in a most pleasant way. They were sitting together and I, of course, was observing as I am ought to do. And he was so tentative. Perhaps that's not the word I want. I he was incredibly respectful but he was also so.....gentle. I don't know if that word has connotations I'm unaware of but it seemed the perfect way to describe this boy. Gentle. I looked the word up and my favorite definitions included "kindly; amiable; not severe, rough, or violent; mild; gradual; soft or low; polite; refined". All good words, but I love "not severe", "soft", and "refined" because it just seems to describe exactly what this boy was and exactly what not only men, but all people, should be. 

            And it occurred to me that gentle is a word infrequently used or mocked when used in terms of "gentleman" and so I used the dictionary again. A gentleman is described in a lot of ways but my favorite way is "a gentleman is civilized, educated, sensitive, or well mannered". Like WOW. I think the first two are important, incredibly so, but I love the last two. Sensitive is a word used to mock boys and men but it's important for them to be sensitive to others, and themselves. Well-mannered just seemed.....well perfect. I find the reason I dislike spending time with certain people is because of poor manners. I don't think good manners are, or should ever be, left to just men or just woman but both should be well-mannered.

                 I couldn't help thinking at the end of all my thoughts tonight
                              that if only more men in the world were
                                                  gentle.