Is graduation supposed to be exciting? Because I don't think I feel it. I think I'm plagued by my distaste for change. I want adventures but my heart remains inside a well lit cheery little room with paintings on the walls and bookshelves so full that books lay all over the floor and on all the surfaces. My heart wants to keep dreaming but it's afraid to act. My life is full of crazy beautiful dreaming but my actions fall short of the adventures I picture in my mind. Graduation is supposed to be the start of an adventure, isn't? Perhaps I feel confused because it's the end of one too.
I only have two months left of high school and I'm so glad. But my heart still hurts. Sometimes when I'm alone when I leave or come to school I look around and think how grateful I am that I've had this time. It wasn't all fun and it definitely wasn't all easy and I've had to learn a lot. Not all of it academic. A lot of what I've learned has been about myself and about others and I keep realizing there's so much more to learn and even though sometimes I think I know a lot I realize I don't know very much, at all. And I'd like to know more.
When I'm doing some things people ask why I like them or why I want to do that and I feel silly because the only reason I have is because it makes my heart happy. I can express all the things I feel and it's like finally my heart is seen. People stop just hearing me and they see me. They see what I need and what's going on inside.
Sometimes I'm a protester of convention. I don't want to walk at my high school graduation. But at the same time I want to have those pictures with my friends and I want us all to be together and to have fun and I know I'll miss them. But I feel torn. I don't really know how to be okay missing people I love and loving new people all at once.
Anyway, I don't know how to feel excited about graduation. Because part of me doesn't think it's happy. Most of me is thrilled, but part of me is afraid that all the things I learned and loved will be gone when I'm gone too.
I'm about to be an adult, officially, but I don't think I want to be. I already act mostly like an adult. I have for a long time but I don't want to HAVE to act like an adult. At least right now I can choose to be whatever I want. Child or adult. And it's okay. Not so tomorrow.
So I'm going to take a deep breath and let myself be filled with the hope, the excitement, and all the happy anticipation because that's how I want to feel about all of this. It's going to be good. Everything happens the way it should and it happens because we need things to happen. Whether we want them to or not, so I might as well make the most of it.
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