Friends: A History

    So it's been a while, right. I haven't had much time to say everything that's been going on. Basically I want to express my gratitude and love for a glorious change in friends. Not really a change as much as an addition. I've always kind of had a hard time with friends. I didn't feel like I had any when I was younger until probably 6th grade. Then I thought I just had to coolest friends and looking back I realize that we probably didn't have a healthy relationship but that we helped each other progress and become who we are today so in short I am very grateful for them. They're wonderful and I still love them.
    However, we moved in 7th grade and I was livid. It wasn't that I didn't want to make more friends, it was just that I wasn't sure how and I didn't really think anyone would want to be my friend because I didn't think I was that cool. I went through a very brief stage where I thought no one was cool enough but then I went right back to thinking that no one would want to be my friend because I wasn't good enough to be anyone's friend.
    Last year I met this weird, weird girl in my foods class. We met, were in the same kitchen and pretty soon we were begging to be put in charge of washing and drying dishes so we could talk to each other. We didn't talk about really personal things or anything like that. To be honest, we loved super heroes. We talked about that a lot. We were incredibly similar in surprisingly different ways. Then summer came and we didn't talk too much. We still liked each other, like I still thought she was cool and I guess she still thought I was cool because school started again and we met up and we talked. We didn't have any classes together but I'd see her before school and at lunch. Pretty soon, I'm still not totally sure how, we became really good friends. We like to think of each other as best friends, if you'll indulge us. She introduced me to several amazing people who I love now. They are also quite weird but it was a pretty quick transition. Depending on how you count it, she introduced me to four or five incredible people who I am now very good friends with. I love them to pieces :) But it has been so good for me to have real friends. The type of friends that I want to spend time with. I'm always trying to do something with them because they're the first group of people that I feel I can be completely myself. I'm so grateful to them. They've made it an amazing year and I hope that they'll help me have a fabulous summer.
    This is the sort of post that I don't necessarily want the whole world to see but I just feel like I need to express my gratitude in some way. So to all of my friends, thanks :D

My First Public Record of Derek's Drama

     It's a been a while. I feel like I haven't talked about anything in a really long time. And I have so much to say!! I wish I could get it all out tonight but I have school and it's already late so I'll just say what I loged in to say.
     I've been talking to my cousin who is so stressed. She's going crazy with it! But there's this boy ;) You know what I mean. She's liked him forever. He flirts with her and she goes nuts waiting to see what he'll say and what he'll do but he doesn't do anything. He's a good kid and it's not like she's a bad kid, she just wishes that she knew he liked her. Well, I think it's obvious but that's just me.
     Well, to be honest, I just haven't been able to just talk. I haven't been able to talk to anyone for quite some time. I've been keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself for self-preservation and for the well-being of others I've spent my summer with. It was just today that I started really talking completely freely again. I've never really been one to keep anything to myself. That's why I'm bad with my own secrets, but I just prefer it that way. I enjoy telling people exactly how I feel and why, even if while I'm saying it I'm not entirely sure why I feel the way I do. It's all a process for me. But I love it. I love saying whatever I feel like saying.
This is one of the reasons I have such a hard time with my cousin and her "boy." She's so careful about what she says and so cautious where I would just tell the truth. I don't want to lie and I don't want to be something that I'm not. It's not so much that my cousin does want to be what she is not as much as she wants to present the best version of herself. Which I completely understand. It's not that big a deal. The real deal is that she doesn't have a cell phone so she texts this boy on mine. Now I'm sure you're like "that's weird," or like "that's nice of her" both of which are true. But she's my cousin and to be honest, I kind of like it. It's fun for me. Sometimes I complain but I don't want her to have a phone and hide away all the funny things she tells me. It's one of my favorite things ever! But then she'll leave. And he'll still be texting me. Well texting her but me because it's my phone. So what do I do? I text him back. I tell him that it's me and then we talk. I'm just so not careful with the way I speak so I always worry that I'm going to say "Hey, my cousin is practically in love with you," which would not only be kind of untrue but not fair to either them. And then I would feel terrible. So I have to watch what I say.
     It's the worst, most painful torture I've ever felt in my life! I just want to make everyone feel good, and I want everything to be right. I only want the world to feel good and maybe that's exclusive to me but hey, that's fine. I love putting people at ease. Life should not be as hard as everyone makes it. I'll admit to my fair amount of stress and frustration but give me a break, who doesn't want life to be more simple. I do! I'll take it, I'll call that one out. It's the truth.
     I'm not saying that my cousin likes to have complication in her life, she doesn't. I know that for a fact. But I understand where she's coming from, I just could never do it. I don't know how she can. Life for me is so straightforward when I'm talking to people but it's so strategic for everybody else!
Before I end let me make clear, I love my cousin. She is a sweetheart. There couldn't be anyone more fun and I'm delighted every time we talk and every time we're together. I'm simply pointing out one of our differences. So don't be offended, any of you cousins of mine who might consider yourself my topic...and for those of you who know who I'm talking about, just have a nice laugh and I hope you smiled.

Garbage

There is such potential in a person. Everyone is like this vast ocean of undiscovered greatness. I believe so completely in people to tap into this ocean of theirs and use it to their fullest extent. To harness the energy and to give the world their best work.

Except for nights like this. I hate people who could be so great. Who could show the world so much. They could influence so much for good. 

But they put out garbage. They pollute the world with their trash. And I hate them for it. The least they could do is hand out a disclaimer that says "hey I produce toxic waste, you'll probably regret picking any of my work up."

Honestly? Seriously! Why? Why show the world the worst parts of you? I know for a fact that there is more to a person than that! So why then? Why give the world something that means nothing? Why give the world a product that will only desecrate the mind? 

What is wrong with you?

I've always wanted to put my best work into the hands of the people around me. I still get nervous every time I hit the "publish" button for my blog. No one really cares but because so much of me is in everything I do, I care. I could never give the world something that I wouldn't want my brother to read. Any of them. If they couldn't read it comfortably I wouldn't put it to paper.

Maybe what I don't see is that some people are okay with putting trash into the world. Maybe they just don't care.

Everyone talks about "going green" and saving the environment. Why good will it do us to have a clean environment if our minds are still polluted?

Can we even begin to enjoy the "green" world we create if we can't get our heads out of the dirt? 

Why give the world garbage? If you can influence the world in any way why would you knowingly make it something disgusting? Please, I want to know. Why portray yourself as garbage? Why could you be so stupid! 

The world has enough bad influences, they don't need anymore than they already have. Why would you want to give it exactly what it doesn't need? Why? There's nothing worse than picking up something you think will be beautiful when you find out it's really just as much garbage as everything you would have avoided in a dump. Isn't that were it really belongs? Why are we keeping public garbage?

Four Offenders and A Victim

I've heard people say that there are two sides to every story. The good, the bad.The happy, the sad. The lighthearted, the serious. There's always a different perspective and new view to explore.

I've heard that there are two sides to every person. 

I disagree.

There are so many more sides to a person. It's easy to categorize them all under good or bad. But there will always be so much more to people then the simple black and white of it all. There are parts of a person that will be hidden from the world for a whole lifetime. Parts of people are those that determine so much of who a person is. Who they once were and who they will become. 

Recently I had a sort of confusion. Something that I believe some of my select relations may not agree with. There is a strong sense of justice in the world around me while outside of those circles there tends to be a lack of justice. A disregard for it even. While I don not believe in disregarding something so unique and precious, so forgotten and misused, I do not fall into a category that feels so passionately about it that they see little else in people. 

Personally I like to believe the best in people as frequently as I can. There is so much to a person then what is presented to you in one meeting. A passing glance that they might not even recall. When my peers act in ways I don't understand I try to learn from them. To find why they act as they do. I've found that desire to learn form them lacking as the school year is beginning to settle and release us for those three glorified months.

I was disturbed by a situation. 

A situation in which one was extremely wronged by others. However, when the situation turned for the worst (it was already bad, traumatizing and detrimental to say the least) the majority of the Offenders retreated. Ran for cover, for a temporary escape while one remained. One who had not participated in their actions, while not preventing they participant's actions, stayed to help the Victim. When the Offender and Victim were found the Offender did nothing in way of defence. Only let them take him away while help was rushed to this Victim. The Victim, although awake through it all and in excruciating pain saw the redeeming qualities of a person who, although they had put this Victim in pain, had tried to make it right afterwards. There was a reason for forgiveness and this person found that they wanted to give their forgiveness willingly. The Victim kept telling their guardian that they wanted to make a statement to the police and the courts. He'd done nearly nothing wrong. It was alright. He was okay. This Offender was rushed away as if a danger, he looked back with only regret for what had happened. What he had done. The Victim stared on, hoping against all odds that perhaps their words would soften the blow that was inevitably coming for the four offenders. 

The beauty of someone wanting to forgive and help someone who had so readily hurt them in magic. There was regret felt by this Offender but there was no taking back the actions that the Offenders committed. They were, as so many things in life are, irrevocable. The pain and repercussions of these Offenders' actions will follow them for years and perhaps, if you believe in that way, the life to come. While this kind, forgiving, and compassionate Victim would only live through the most public of parts in their lives. None of the participants would ever feel as pure or as clean as the Victim could someday feel after all was said and done. When words were done and when all that would be left was the reflection of a very bad memory, a cruel joke gone very very bad. There was little chance the Offenders would make it to a clear conscience in their lifetime. 

There is some loss in justice when someone, someone who is as guilty of the crime as others, is left holding the bag because they stayed to help. To try to fix what they had defiled and deprecated. There was no fixing what was broken and burned down but no one ever said that trying couldn't help. 

While there might not be justice from a world stand point, were it must not be deserved, it will not be the end. 

In my eyes there is a greater justice in the fourth Offender being able to overcome the tragic event and to be able to live with a clear mind and conscience. Where the other Offenders will not, should not, ever be allowed to live without the guilt and consequences of their horrific and heinous acts. That is the greatest justice that this world can offer. Knowing that you are clear and free in your heart and soul may make your mind go mad while imprisoned unjustly but there is no freedom like that of knowing that you have been true. Have been honest and have done all you could do. 

Knowing that you are not guilty of all the crimes committed. 

So Justice. Mercy. Grace. Life. Love. Forgiveness and Compassion. Things that we can only try to give and things that only God will always grant. 

I guess the point was to express troubled thoughts I've had so I would admonish all readers to put it aside if they do not understand. Some things are not easily understood because there are too many sides to a person to truly understand them through something so simple as a few carefully written words. 

Life is Beautiful

I'm not very good at being alone.

Sometimes I like to be alone. When I need to think or when I'm troubled.

I guess what I mean to say is that I'm not very good at feeling alone.

I can be all by myself for a whole day and not feel lonely.

There are a lot of stages in a life. Birth. Child. Teenager. Adult. Marriage. Having kids. Death.

All of these stages are like really differently sized steps in a staircase. We can't forget the stepping stone of school of course. Preschool. Kindergarten. Elementary. Junior high. High School. Collage.

Everything in our lives are something that moves us forward. Where we end when we finish climbing those steps is up to us. It's something I don't know all of yet. I do know that feeling alone happens to me when I feel like I haven't quite made it up one of those steps and someone I love is already there and I'm left behind. I get all alone and moved into the background.

There's nothing wrong with the people I love moving forward when they're ready. I just have heartache when they're gone.

These stepping stones are wonderful. People are always so happy to see them come about. But first, for their best friends who get left behind, there's a loss. A loss that no one really wants to talk about. One that's hard to explain but almost impossible not to feel.

It's when someone gets something and you're so sad that you can't be part of it because you're just not there yet. Maybe you're not there emotionally, physically or any other reason someone may have for not being there. There are so many reasons. But part of you aches so badly to be able to do what they've just done. A longing, an aching, urning for something that you are afraid of but know that you want. Someday. Today's not the day but you know that someday, someday you'll have it. Someday you'll want it more then anything and you'll have it. You'll get it and then you and your lost friend will be reunited in that unity and similarity.

But until then, you'll feel lonely for a few moments. It wont last long because those stepping stones of life are always superseded by joy and love and happiness. Sometimes pain and heartbreak but often there's more happiness then anything else. 

For me there's this pain. A pain that's hardly bearable for that brief moment between being sad that something is changing and realizing how happy you are. A pain that wracks your whole being with an aching pain.

When I think of pain I think of tears. It's not always how people deal with pain or heartache but it's how I think of it. 

Tears are strange to me. We used them when we were little and scraped our knees. We used them when we got hit by our brother. But then we also used them when the kid in our class told us they hated us. And when your sister tells you to get out of her room because she's to busy for you. You use them when you date people as you get older and you use them when you see pain. When you feel loss or when you see the loss of others. We all show tears at some point. Some more then others but even the least likely of people let their tears fall once in a while. It's hard to avoid. 





There are a lot of saying about pain and sadness. There are a lot of reason for people to be sad. But there are just as many if not More reasons for people to be happy. Life is a beautiful thing and there's no stopping that unless you don't want it to be. Happiness is something that you create inside of yourself. It's something that you have inside of you. Something that you have to create using your resources. 

Something that I'm terrified to misconstrue is that people don't always have to be happy. Sometimes it's best to show your painful emotions. The ones that make you cry. The ones that hurt the most. Sometimes we need to be angry to get to the sad. Sometimes we need to cry to let go of the loss. Sometimes we need to show our tears because tears are like pictures. They show a thousand things that we can't explain in words. 

This is kind of how life is. It's a lot of emotions and it's beautiful. I recommend loving it because it only happens once. So feel your emotions. Respond accordingly. And love every good thing you come in contact with. Don't forget that it's our responsibility to be happy. Don't lose sight of the things that make you truly happy. That make the sun look more perfect today then yesterday. The things that make life better then you ever thought it could be. Make your life shine. Make it brighter then it's ever been. Make your life beautiful.

"Don't you Remember" by Adele

"When will I see you again?
You left with no good bye, not a single word was said"
There are some people in everyone's life who change. Everyone changes but some people change into someone or something you just can't recognize. Something so different from your life style that you just don't know how to be around them. And you'll try, and try, and try to be with them. To make this person who you love, a part of your life but for reasons that you just can't ever explain it just never seems to work. Something always messes it all up. Sometimes you can see the person that they were come back to the surface but that never stays. You can't help but feel like they've just left you. They leave without a single word, not even a good bye to the person that they are and you never get to seem them again. 
"But don't you remember? Don't you remember?
The reasons you loved me before"
Sometimes this person who changes in your life really is someone that you love. You love them and you think that they love you. But you're just never sure no matter how many times you try to dispel your doubt. It's always left to be questioned. For most people there seems to be a breaking point. There's just this part of them that can't handle that person any more and they have to do something. Anything to cope with it. Some people might get angry but we all know that anger is a secondary emotion. After the anger come the tears so hurt, frustration, pain, sadness. 
"When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory"
These people in our lives make us feel forgotten and useless to them. Our existence in their lives seem completely pointless. When they do remember us sometimes we wish that they hadn't. Sometimes their rememberings are worse than forgetting about us all together. Sometimes we do wish that we could be completely erased from someone's memory but there always seems to be a part of me that could never really want to be totally forgotten even when the pain has been blown right through your heart and all the way to your soul. 
"I gave you space so you could breath.
I kept my distance so you would be free.
And hope you find the missing piece
To bring you back to me."
Everyone forever tells you that there's always hope for any person that you might not feel hope for. Can I just say that I am so sick of hearing that sort of thing come out of peoples' mouths. What if I just don't want to feel hope any more? What if I just want to give up? What if I just don't want to have hope right then? Don't I have the right to feel a little despair? How come people can't just hold you and let you cry or rant or scream or scowl? Why don't people ever let us feel and do what we want instead of holding us into the confines of social acceptance? No one is ever there to let you get everything out of your system when you're alone in your bedroom. That's when girls cry the most. When no one can see them or hear them. At night after everyone is asleep the curl up on their beds and cry. What's wrong with the world that our pain and sorrow isn't acceptable to show in public or even with just another person? Why does everyone want you to have so much hope and cheer all the time? Why can't we all just feel our pain when it comes instead of having people push it to the side telling us that we aren't allowed to be heartbroken and in pain?
"I had no idea of the state we were in"
With people like this it's hard to know where everything stands because they change so fast that you can almost see it happening. And if I could say that line any way I wanted I would say 'of the state you were in' instead of we because you should always know your own state of being. I hope you do know. I pray that people will know who they are. Sometimes there are people who just don't know who or where they are. 
"...please remember me once more."

I need you....

I need you like a fish needs water

I need you like a baby needs diapers

I need you like a plant needs the sun

I need you like a bird needs the sky

I need you like a worm needs the earth

I need you like a pen needs paper

I need you like a teacher needs homework

I need you like a kid needs summer

I need you like an author needs an idea

I need you like a musician needs notes

I need you like a doctor needs disease

I need you like a dead creature needs decomposers

I need you like hair needs a head

I need you like fingers need nails

I need you like a person needs toes

I need you like a girl needs a crush

I need you like a story needs a conflict

I need you like a criminal need a prison

I need you like a computer needs Internet access

I need you like Mexico needs the beach

I need you like a Palm tree needs sand

I need you like vacation needs family

I need you like girls need gossip

I need you like braces need to be brushed

I need you like music needs a dance

I need you like the Hobie Cat needs to be repaired every year

I need you like a girl needs her best friend

His Shadow

She swallowed to see the size of his shadow
She closed her eyes to pray
She drew the courage to stand out of his shadow
She felt herself get pushed down
She sighed at the size of his shadow
She feels her determination rise
She fights will all her strength against his shadow
She feels herself fall
She looks and feels despair when she sees his shadow
She longs to stay down and cry
She knows she can't give in to his shadow
She finds her efforts in vain
She knows that it can't last; his shadow
She renews her conviction in her cause
She finds herself still in the darkness of his shadow
She still fights, she won't give up
She sees how others love living in his shadow
She can't stand to let herself do that
She steps out into the light away from his shadow
She fights to stay free of that prison
She knows they want her to say in his shadow
She feels the pressure making her fall to her knees
She knows there is safety and secrets in the silence of his shadow
She prays for power to fight this
She stands and leaves his shadow 
She sees know that what he covered was not so large
She can finally leave behind his shadow
She can leave with absolution 

Dreams

I think it's an interesting word; dream. What does it even mean, really? The dictionary definition is as follows; Dream-noun, a secession of images thoughts or emotions passing through the mind during sleep. That's not exactly what I think when I think of dreams, but then sometimes it is. When I talk about my dreams they're always my great goals in life. And I get the feeling that people think I'm a little nuts for having dreams that are so vivid behind my eyes. I can see my dreams like I've never seen anything in my life. I'm totally sure what will happen when I get to do and be what I want but I can't wait. It's going to be perfect, I'm sure of it. I worry that someone will tell me that my dreams aren't up to par. That I need to have a better dream for myself. I don't think that will ever happen . I like my dreams just the way they are. But for me my dreams are really only goals for my life time.
I've seen people who dream. They are very much like the definition. But to me there are a few different types of dreaming. There's the actually action of dreaming while you sleep at night, or I guess you could take a nap and dream too. Any way another type of dreaming is the common daydreaming, I've seen that one happen a lot. Kids enjoy this one while they're in math or science. Anything is better than those classes. Another type of dreaming is like mine, goals you make for your life. Generally those goals are things that we tend to love, that we want to do. Those dreams are something you want to aspire to. I like this kind.
But every person has a different dream. I want to someday be a great author. I want to do something great for the whole world. But then there's my brother who wants to play in the NBA. I think that's crazy but if that's what he wants to do then good for him. I was sitting on the steps of the stage in my school yesterday. I was looking up at the bright lights and was reminded of those scenes in movies where they imagine themselves preforming on the stage and being great. My first thought was, I am so glad that's not my dream. Silly, I know, but I really am. It's not me. If it was my dream I wouldn't be the person that I am. I don't want everyone to watch me while I live my life. I don't want to be the center of attention for anyone. I just want to write my books and have young kids like me ask for my advice. I want to share all of my great ideas and my view of the world, and people. I can hardly wait. Everyone has a dream. I know what mine is, what's yours?

The Parts of Me

There are parts of me that want to be angry. 

Parts that want to be pitied. 

There are parts of me that want to cry all night long. 

Parts that want my mother to come in and hold me. 

Parts of me want to lay down and dream of better things. 

Part of me wishes that I knew how. 

Part of me wants to express to the whole world how I feel about all I feel. 

There is a part of me that feels like a gaping wound that can never be healed. 

That part of me sees people suffer and groans with pain. 

There is a part of me that longs for the day when what I've always longed to know, I will know. 

Part of me sees people smile and laugh. That part of me smiles and laughs for their happiness. 

Part of me knows that I'm meant for a little more. Another part prays that my life will be uneventful. 

There is a part of me that is excited by the thought of daring adventures and terrible challenges.

Part of me is captivated by the desire for change.

Part of me threatens the life of those who want to change anything I love. 

There is part of me that knows I can change the world.

Part of me knows that this ability to change things is just out of my reach. 

Part of me begs to know how to change the world. Part of me knows that no matter how much good I do, evil is what the world is addicted to. 

There is a part of me that believes I can help this addicted world. 

Help it change. 

There is a part, a part hidden so far from view, that longs to love every person I meet. 

But there is a part that shouts over this hidden part and tells me that no one would believe the sincerity of my longing to love. 

Part of me says it's not true.

But part of me gives into the shouting voice.