Make Your Choice

          Sometimes you have to choose! Just wake up and say "I('m going to be happy today" and don't let anyone fight that from you. No one, and nothing can make you feel how you don't want too. Don't let the darkness that hounds you from outside and from within win! Don't let it! Fight back with a smile on you face and a spring in you step. You are NOT ALONE in this war. So don't you dare pull that card. There are thousands fighting with you and there are so many people who love you. So make your choice.

"Choose ye this day whom ye will serve;...

but as for me, and my house, we will serve the Lord."

Joshua 24:15

A Judgment Call

          There's a girl who sits next to me in choir and between her and the boy sitting beside her I'm terrified of life. They talk about people and are so cruel! Often when I complain about these sorts of things I have friends who say things like "That's just the way it is," and I refuse to accept that! People should be better than that. Don't they want to be?
          The girl tells her friend how it's so awful that this boy across the room sings so loud because he's clearly tone deaf and how the girl a couple rows in front of us is a "whore" because of some very flimsy evidence. And it really disgusts me but it also frightens me. What might they think of me? When I'm not in class or when they aren't sitting beside me again what do they say? Do I even want to know? Do I really care?
          There's just something about it that leaves me sitting still and stiff during choir because I don't want to receive their judgment. And it's people like them that not only give our entire age group a bad reputation but they're also the people who end up bitter and unhappy. And where does this horrible desire of theirs come from where they want to say these terrible things about their peers? And why is it that the ones they say these things are the ones who are wacky? Crazy, nerds, theater geeks, loud, kind of annoying, and totally okay with themselves? Perhaps it's not the boy across the room or the girl a few rows in down that have the problem. They're both laughing and talking to lots of people who like them. So could it be that the problem lies with the two sitting beside me? Are they the ones who need to look closer at themselves? Isn't there something said about fixing the world from the inside out? Start with yourself and move outward? "He who is without sin cast the first stone." Isn't that what Christ said?
          So I guess the point here is me saying that I didn't like it. I didn't like what they were saying and I was even more displeased with myself for not telling them that I happened to be friends with the "tone deaf" boy and the quite kind girl in front of us. Start with yourself and let others follow but don't judge them because they do things differently. And certainly don't judge them for loving themselves and the life that they have.

Answered Prayers

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers

Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs

That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care

Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

             I don't know if you've ever heard the song Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks but it's a favorite of mine. I think it's beautiful and so true and just perfect! And I've thought about that song a lot recently but today, tonight I want to talk about the prayers that we receive answers to. In the most beautiful way too. I was in the middle of a really hard situation with a friend of mine who I just love. She's wonderful, but I was in sticky spot with her so instead of deciding what was right or wrong I decided that I loved her and that I would just keep loving her despite the situation. It was hard. And that night I knelt down beside my bed and I wept. I prayed and pleaded for understanding and guidance and it might very well be one of the hardest things that I've ever experienced. And then today, four days later, the situation has been altered and cleaned up quite unexpectedly. I wept again. I couldn't believe it. Of all the blessings I was expecting from my Father in Heaven it was not this. It was not that kind of blessing but I was so grateful for it. I saw my friends text message and right there I sat down on my stairs where I'd been standing and I prayed while I cried because I don't think I could ever properly express my gratitude. It was so wonderful. So the one of the last lines in the song is "I guess the Lord knows what he's doin' after all" and I just want to say that it's true. He does know. And I don't know all His reasoning for everything but I do know that it's all worked out and I've learned a lot in four short days so I just want to say that I know God answers prayers. Sometimes His silence is an answer in itself but so often you just have to kneel down and be grateful for the prayers that he does answer. Tonight I'm grateful for the answered prayers.

My Favorite Thing About Endings

             I don't handle endings very well. I don't like them. They're just so sad. It's taken me a long time but I know now that all things need to end. People can't live forever and stories can't go on after they've been told. It's just not the way the world works. Everything eventually ends. Every books has a happily ever after. Every day has a good night. Every life has a good bye. And every sunrise has a sunset. Every fire leaves it's ashes. The point is that everything ends. There's nothing you can do about it.
             But fortunately for us, every books tells it's story, every day has a good morning. For every death their is new life. And every sunset has a sunrise. Every fire leaves long enough for what was destroyed to be rebuilt. The end is bitter sweet. There's pain in every good bye but there's also hope. You'll see them again. Good byes are never final. I was thinking today, while I was laying on the floor in the sunshine, that afternoons are my favorite. I realized that they are also kind of sad. They're the end of something great. But what if the day hadn't been great? Wouldn't the afternoon and evening be a welcome occurrence? So I suppose that it's all about perspective when it comes to whether something is happy or sad. If someone has been suffering then wouldn't it make them happy to go, to be free of pain? Wouldn't it make someone happy to see a sad story end well? The important thing here is that endings are in actuality a good thing. They can be painful and sad but they can also be happy and so full of joy. Personally, I struggle with endings. I don't want things to end. I never want summer to end. But that's not because I love the summer so much. It's mostly because that's when I get to do things with family. I never want to stop spending time with all the people I love, my family, my friends. I would love for the times we get to be together to continue on forever.
             However, with the end of summer comes the start of school. Of new experiences and new friends. The end of so much focused time with family leaves me a little more time for friends, and the end of time with friends leaves time for family. Endings always have a transition period, there's the pain and the heartache but then there's this wonderful time where you start to love what's come of that ending. They way things have changed turns out to be a beautiful thing, the sort of thing you just can't take your eyes off of and your heart never let's go of.
             When I started high school I joined the school newspaper. I was thrilled. It was going to be the most amazing experience! I was going to write and people were just going to love me! I was going to be the best and it would be what I was truly known for in high school. Well a month or two into the class I realized very quickly that I wasn't going to make friends there and I wasn't going to be able to be myself. I felt incredibly uncomfortable and the other students were just plain mean and did kind of disgusting things. So I quite the newspaper. It was probably one of the hardest things I'd done up to that point in my life, I was terrified to tell my incredibly intimidating teacher that I was leaving. I left. That was the end of my newspaper dreams. And I can't tell you how alone and completely afraid I felt to try something I'd never thought about. It was horrifying for me. But then I somehow ended up in a foods class. Cooking? It wasn't really my thing but I hadn't known what else to do! This is how I ended up meeting my best friend and how I decided I wanted to major in culinary arts. It all started here, with an exciting adventure gone all wrong. By the ned of the newspaper I was starting a new adventure that I hadn't even anticipated. And oh, how wonderful it was.
             There's never a real ending. As my sweet sister said a while ago "Life is just a bunch of adventures stacked up next to each other," and she was so, so right. With then end of one adventure you begin another one. You never know what's just around the corner.
           My favorite thing about endings are beginnings.

Words

     Words are  a very powerful thing. At least I've heard it said and I've been thinking about why I've always believed that to be true. I'm a writer, or at least I try to be, and with every word you craft your message. Every word tells something about you, the way you express yourself tells a lot about who you are. I'm of the opinion that every person expresses themselves through some art form. I have a good friend who paints and draws. She very literally expresses herself through art. There are a lot of people who write music and that's their way of expression. Some people speak. Doesn't sound like an art? Think about the last time you spoke in public, it's an art. But now I'm all off track, let's come back. I like to use the written word to express myself, as I'm sure you've gathered. Recently I've been thinking about the things I say and what I write and what ever single word does for me and for everyone around me. Then on the way to the Temple the other day I discovered Christian music on the radio. It was delightful. But I also discovered the song Words by Hawk Nelson. And it kind of struck me. Made me think.

     At the very beginning of this song he talks about what words can make you feel. Like a prisoner, a criminal, set free, a king. He says

"Words can build you up, words can break you down, start a fire in our heart, or put it out."

I've seen it with words. What they can do to people, do to all of us. And we need to be careful with our words, but more importantly than just being careful with our words we need to commit to using our words to benefit as many people as we come into contact with.. My favorite part of this song is his line,

"I don't want to say a word unless it points the world back to you."

     And I guess I like that because it's kind of how I feel. I worry about my words and what they'll mean to people, but I don't want to speak unless I can be the representative of Christ that I know I want to be. I haven't always been a good example of using your words in the best way, of pointing to God with my words. But I want to be. I want to exclaim to all the world what I know to be true and I want to speak the words of God. One of the most wonderful girls I've ever met received her mission call this last week and she is so excited to go and to preach the gospel to everyone she meets. But, like they tell you in primary, you don't have to be a missionary to do missionary work. Every word we say should show the world the kind of people we are and what we stand for and who stands behind us. Our words should show the world who we promise to represent. In all that we do, I hope that we try to point our peers, our friends, our neighbors, our co-workers, and the strangers that we come into contact with to Christ. Even for people who don't believe as I do, I hope they believe in whatever they believe strongly enough that they want to share it with the world. Because that's how it should be isn't it? If you have this amazing message of joy and happiness, shouldn't you be dying to tell the world? I want to share it with the world. And right now, while I'm still in high school, I'm going to try to share it with the world through my words.

So Much Bigger On the Inside

Idris: Are all people like this?
Doctor: Like what?
Idris: So much bigger on the inside!

    Many of you know, many of you don't, that I have become quite the Doctor Who fan. To all of you who haven's seen it, I recommend it. This is a couple lines from one of my very favorite scenes. It's like the very first reason I was ever drawn to the show, another quote, of the inspiring variety. There are so many things I love about Doctor Who but one of the things I love most is when there's a moment that says so much more than people realize and probably so much more than the writers intended to say. This scene is one of the most beautiful and this woman, Idris, is not just an ordinary woman. As I'm sure you've gathered. However, she finally, in all her years of traveling with the Doctor, is able to speak her mind. All she wants to do the entire episode is say "hello" to this Doctor that she's come to love very much. But she's overwhelmed with so many other things. Being stuck in human form for one.
    The real reason I loved this part so much was because a few episodes later the Doctor uses this as an insult when he tells a villain that they are "so much smaller on the inside". To me that speaks of character. What Idris was experiencing was what it feels like to be a person, to be human. And she hadn't expected there to be so much inside of such a small creature.
    We are small. People look up at the sky and marvel at how tiny we must be in God's vast universe. Galaxies and worlds with creations beyond number. How do we ever feel anything but small? Then I remember the first quote that drew me to the Doctor.

"Do you know, in 900 years of time and space I've never met anyone who wasn't important." 

    It was one of those nights when you feel so alone, so tired of everything in life, and suddenly it's like you're given this great, glorious gift from God to fix your very temporal need. But He loved you enough to help you anyway. And that's how this quote came to me, when I needed it desperately. That's also how the tv show came to me.
    Now back to the quote up top. Feel free to read it again and keep thinking about it. I'm about to tell you why I love it so much. This quote is speaking of the human heart and mind, emotion and thought, even our godly capacities. We could be so much! We have such potential!! And we are not as small as we may seem to others or ourselves. No. On the contrary, we are far bigger on the inside. We tell each other everyday of our ability to do whatever we want so long as we "put our mind to it". How then can we ever say that anyone is small? That anyone is ever unimportant?
    No. No, in God's vast universe that we all look at in wonder we are very, very important. We are all so much bigger on the inside. Remember, everyday, when you have to make the choice, remember what you can be. What you are. And please, please remember that you are so, so much bigger that all of that.

Friends: A History

    So it's been a while, right. I haven't had much time to say everything that's been going on. Basically I want to express my gratitude and love for a glorious change in friends. Not really a change as much as an addition. I've always kind of had a hard time with friends. I didn't feel like I had any when I was younger until probably 6th grade. Then I thought I just had to coolest friends and looking back I realize that we probably didn't have a healthy relationship but that we helped each other progress and become who we are today so in short I am very grateful for them. They're wonderful and I still love them.
    However, we moved in 7th grade and I was livid. It wasn't that I didn't want to make more friends, it was just that I wasn't sure how and I didn't really think anyone would want to be my friend because I didn't think I was that cool. I went through a very brief stage where I thought no one was cool enough but then I went right back to thinking that no one would want to be my friend because I wasn't good enough to be anyone's friend.
    Last year I met this weird, weird girl in my foods class. We met, were in the same kitchen and pretty soon we were begging to be put in charge of washing and drying dishes so we could talk to each other. We didn't talk about really personal things or anything like that. To be honest, we loved super heroes. We talked about that a lot. We were incredibly similar in surprisingly different ways. Then summer came and we didn't talk too much. We still liked each other, like I still thought she was cool and I guess she still thought I was cool because school started again and we met up and we talked. We didn't have any classes together but I'd see her before school and at lunch. Pretty soon, I'm still not totally sure how, we became really good friends. We like to think of each other as best friends, if you'll indulge us. She introduced me to several amazing people who I love now. They are also quite weird but it was a pretty quick transition. Depending on how you count it, she introduced me to four or five incredible people who I am now very good friends with. I love them to pieces :) But it has been so good for me to have real friends. The type of friends that I want to spend time with. I'm always trying to do something with them because they're the first group of people that I feel I can be completely myself. I'm so grateful to them. They've made it an amazing year and I hope that they'll help me have a fabulous summer.
    This is the sort of post that I don't necessarily want the whole world to see but I just feel like I need to express my gratitude in some way. So to all of my friends, thanks :D

My First Public Record of Derek's Drama

     It's a been a while. I feel like I haven't talked about anything in a really long time. And I have so much to say!! I wish I could get it all out tonight but I have school and it's already late so I'll just say what I loged in to say.
     I've been talking to my cousin who is so stressed. She's going crazy with it! But there's this boy ;) You know what I mean. She's liked him forever. He flirts with her and she goes nuts waiting to see what he'll say and what he'll do but he doesn't do anything. He's a good kid and it's not like she's a bad kid, she just wishes that she knew he liked her. Well, I think it's obvious but that's just me.
     Well, to be honest, I just haven't been able to just talk. I haven't been able to talk to anyone for quite some time. I've been keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself for self-preservation and for the well-being of others I've spent my summer with. It was just today that I started really talking completely freely again. I've never really been one to keep anything to myself. That's why I'm bad with my own secrets, but I just prefer it that way. I enjoy telling people exactly how I feel and why, even if while I'm saying it I'm not entirely sure why I feel the way I do. It's all a process for me. But I love it. I love saying whatever I feel like saying.
This is one of the reasons I have such a hard time with my cousin and her "boy." She's so careful about what she says and so cautious where I would just tell the truth. I don't want to lie and I don't want to be something that I'm not. It's not so much that my cousin does want to be what she is not as much as she wants to present the best version of herself. Which I completely understand. It's not that big a deal. The real deal is that she doesn't have a cell phone so she texts this boy on mine. Now I'm sure you're like "that's weird," or like "that's nice of her" both of which are true. But she's my cousin and to be honest, I kind of like it. It's fun for me. Sometimes I complain but I don't want her to have a phone and hide away all the funny things she tells me. It's one of my favorite things ever! But then she'll leave. And he'll still be texting me. Well texting her but me because it's my phone. So what do I do? I text him back. I tell him that it's me and then we talk. I'm just so not careful with the way I speak so I always worry that I'm going to say "Hey, my cousin is practically in love with you," which would not only be kind of untrue but not fair to either them. And then I would feel terrible. So I have to watch what I say.
     It's the worst, most painful torture I've ever felt in my life! I just want to make everyone feel good, and I want everything to be right. I only want the world to feel good and maybe that's exclusive to me but hey, that's fine. I love putting people at ease. Life should not be as hard as everyone makes it. I'll admit to my fair amount of stress and frustration but give me a break, who doesn't want life to be more simple. I do! I'll take it, I'll call that one out. It's the truth.
     I'm not saying that my cousin likes to have complication in her life, she doesn't. I know that for a fact. But I understand where she's coming from, I just could never do it. I don't know how she can. Life for me is so straightforward when I'm talking to people but it's so strategic for everybody else!
Before I end let me make clear, I love my cousin. She is a sweetheart. There couldn't be anyone more fun and I'm delighted every time we talk and every time we're together. I'm simply pointing out one of our differences. So don't be offended, any of you cousins of mine who might consider yourself my topic...and for those of you who know who I'm talking about, just have a nice laugh and I hope you smiled.

Garbage

There is such potential in a person. Everyone is like this vast ocean of undiscovered greatness. I believe so completely in people to tap into this ocean of theirs and use it to their fullest extent. To harness the energy and to give the world their best work.

Except for nights like this. I hate people who could be so great. Who could show the world so much. They could influence so much for good. 

But they put out garbage. They pollute the world with their trash. And I hate them for it. The least they could do is hand out a disclaimer that says "hey I produce toxic waste, you'll probably regret picking any of my work up."

Honestly? Seriously! Why? Why show the world the worst parts of you? I know for a fact that there is more to a person than that! So why then? Why give the world something that means nothing? Why give the world a product that will only desecrate the mind? 

What is wrong with you?

I've always wanted to put my best work into the hands of the people around me. I still get nervous every time I hit the "publish" button for my blog. No one really cares but because so much of me is in everything I do, I care. I could never give the world something that I wouldn't want my brother to read. Any of them. If they couldn't read it comfortably I wouldn't put it to paper.

Maybe what I don't see is that some people are okay with putting trash into the world. Maybe they just don't care.

Everyone talks about "going green" and saving the environment. Why good will it do us to have a clean environment if our minds are still polluted?

Can we even begin to enjoy the "green" world we create if we can't get our heads out of the dirt? 

Why give the world garbage? If you can influence the world in any way why would you knowingly make it something disgusting? Please, I want to know. Why portray yourself as garbage? Why could you be so stupid! 

The world has enough bad influences, they don't need anymore than they already have. Why would you want to give it exactly what it doesn't need? Why? There's nothing worse than picking up something you think will be beautiful when you find out it's really just as much garbage as everything you would have avoided in a dump. Isn't that were it really belongs? Why are we keeping public garbage?

Four Offenders and A Victim

I've heard people say that there are two sides to every story. The good, the bad.The happy, the sad. The lighthearted, the serious. There's always a different perspective and new view to explore.

I've heard that there are two sides to every person. 

I disagree.

There are so many more sides to a person. It's easy to categorize them all under good or bad. But there will always be so much more to people then the simple black and white of it all. There are parts of a person that will be hidden from the world for a whole lifetime. Parts of people are those that determine so much of who a person is. Who they once were and who they will become. 

Recently I had a sort of confusion. Something that I believe some of my select relations may not agree with. There is a strong sense of justice in the world around me while outside of those circles there tends to be a lack of justice. A disregard for it even. While I don not believe in disregarding something so unique and precious, so forgotten and misused, I do not fall into a category that feels so passionately about it that they see little else in people. 

Personally I like to believe the best in people as frequently as I can. There is so much to a person then what is presented to you in one meeting. A passing glance that they might not even recall. When my peers act in ways I don't understand I try to learn from them. To find why they act as they do. I've found that desire to learn form them lacking as the school year is beginning to settle and release us for those three glorified months.

I was disturbed by a situation. 

A situation in which one was extremely wronged by others. However, when the situation turned for the worst (it was already bad, traumatizing and detrimental to say the least) the majority of the Offenders retreated. Ran for cover, for a temporary escape while one remained. One who had not participated in their actions, while not preventing they participant's actions, stayed to help the Victim. When the Offender and Victim were found the Offender did nothing in way of defence. Only let them take him away while help was rushed to this Victim. The Victim, although awake through it all and in excruciating pain saw the redeeming qualities of a person who, although they had put this Victim in pain, had tried to make it right afterwards. There was a reason for forgiveness and this person found that they wanted to give their forgiveness willingly. The Victim kept telling their guardian that they wanted to make a statement to the police and the courts. He'd done nearly nothing wrong. It was alright. He was okay. This Offender was rushed away as if a danger, he looked back with only regret for what had happened. What he had done. The Victim stared on, hoping against all odds that perhaps their words would soften the blow that was inevitably coming for the four offenders. 

The beauty of someone wanting to forgive and help someone who had so readily hurt them in magic. There was regret felt by this Offender but there was no taking back the actions that the Offenders committed. They were, as so many things in life are, irrevocable. The pain and repercussions of these Offenders' actions will follow them for years and perhaps, if you believe in that way, the life to come. While this kind, forgiving, and compassionate Victim would only live through the most public of parts in their lives. None of the participants would ever feel as pure or as clean as the Victim could someday feel after all was said and done. When words were done and when all that would be left was the reflection of a very bad memory, a cruel joke gone very very bad. There was little chance the Offenders would make it to a clear conscience in their lifetime. 

There is some loss in justice when someone, someone who is as guilty of the crime as others, is left holding the bag because they stayed to help. To try to fix what they had defiled and deprecated. There was no fixing what was broken and burned down but no one ever said that trying couldn't help. 

While there might not be justice from a world stand point, were it must not be deserved, it will not be the end. 

In my eyes there is a greater justice in the fourth Offender being able to overcome the tragic event and to be able to live with a clear mind and conscience. Where the other Offenders will not, should not, ever be allowed to live without the guilt and consequences of their horrific and heinous acts. That is the greatest justice that this world can offer. Knowing that you are clear and free in your heart and soul may make your mind go mad while imprisoned unjustly but there is no freedom like that of knowing that you have been true. Have been honest and have done all you could do. 

Knowing that you are not guilty of all the crimes committed. 

So Justice. Mercy. Grace. Life. Love. Forgiveness and Compassion. Things that we can only try to give and things that only God will always grant. 

I guess the point was to express troubled thoughts I've had so I would admonish all readers to put it aside if they do not understand. Some things are not easily understood because there are too many sides to a person to truly understand them through something so simple as a few carefully written words.